I’ve been in school for about month now. I’m really not at the top of my game, though. It’s honestly hard after having such a good summer to get back in the habit of, well, stress. I define stress personally as the things I absolutely need to do and can’t afford to fail, whether that’s schoolwork, my job, or just going to class in general. There’s been a lot on my plate so far and I’d really like to try and get back in control because I have been falling behind on my responsibilities.

I think it would help if I had more motivation to go to class in the first place. I don’t have any friends my age beside Vic, and even then, I don’t have any classes with him this year. He moved in with his wife so it’s just been harder to see him in general. I really do think my classmates like me and my interest in certain classes but I’m terrible at initiating. I wish it were easier for me, but I’ve really only displayed the ability to make friends on the internet. I have strong friendships there with wonderful people who I talk to every day, but I feel like a total outcast on campus. And I think my personal beliefs, while they may help in fueling my interest in school subjects, are not exactly conducive to making friends. I’m not unfriendly or anything, it’s hard to tell exactly what about me fails in that arena (or else I’d fix it already). I think people understand my passion for the work and that’s about as far as it goes. Still, I hope this year I can make some stronger connections outside of the radio station. You know, with people my age.

Radio is still a very important social and personal experience, though. I feel like the people there are more like family than anything. I’ve been doing what I can to help promote the station to students since we don’t have many DJs and fortunately we have a few new ones. It’s been tough, though. Recently one of the founding members and a close friend of all within the station, Paul, passed away pretty suddenly. We did a memorial show and it was frankly a very eye-opening experience to listen to all the anecdotes of Paul’s life and memories that people have had with him. Everyone at WLFR has known him much longer than me. I learned more about him in two hours than he had told me about himself in 6 months. But anyways, in the wake of that things have gotten shuffled around and now I am trying to help out more. It is nice to see my efforts be appreciated and welcomed by people there. They really do feel like family, especially during such a challenging time. Radio will always be my outlet but it is my REAL passion in college. Paul always encouraged me to keep being myself and doing what I do. I miss him so much, as does everyone, but I will carry what he said to me forever.

My job has become pretty absurd and anger-inducing lately. It’s just not even worth writing about, I’ve gotten it off my chest already to anyone who cares to listen. I’m trying to leave, though, and get an internship with a PR/advertising company or something like that. There is an internship fair happening soon so I’ve been asking my professors what kinds of questions I should have for potential employers and things. I’m really hoping it goes well, because I would love to do something more than just menial delivery. I want to put my intuition and education to use now. It’s not just a desire, it’s a need for me to keep moving and working towards a future that I want. One where I can do what I love, where I love, with the person I love to come home to, and hopefully all of that done somehow in an ethical manner. Alas, public relations isn’t always known for that.

I guess one step I’ve made towards that dream is having my own bank account. My parents have no access to it. Today I have to transfer all my money from my parents’ bank account to mine. I’m honestly really excited for that.

So yeah, that’s the general life update. Things are alright, I just have to get back into my working rhythm. In truth though, I am tired. Not hopelessly, but just tired. And I guess in many ways I still feel very lonely in my struggles and ambitions as a young person. I guess that’s what my discontent always comes down to.

I am finally angry about something in my life. If you didn't read the title.

So there's this... ongoing situation with my roommate, Emma. The only time I ever liked her was maybe the first few times I talked to her. Now she is the bane of my existence, and causing me an extreme amount of stress with here recent bullshit, that being, smoking weed inside the house. All night. Yeah.

When I moved into this apartment we had a "no smoking inside" agreement. It not only messes with our lease but just keeps this place from wreaking of weed because who would want that. Emma has her medical card (for some reason?) and has always respected this agreement and prior to July she would only smoke outside and in her room on occasion. That is, until she one day sent us a massive text blabbing about her "medical right" to smoke inside, which she went over with a law student friend of hers. This was after a few times of me complaining about the weed smell being tracked in after she smokes outside. First of all, her legal stuff is, as far as we can tell, bologna. It is still within our apartment complex's right to prohibit indoor smoking. Second of all, her practically demanding to smoke inside without any discussion breaks our roommate agreement and is just clearly inconsiderate. But Emma looks for excuses, not confrontation, and so she sent some garbage legal excuse. While I was home. While she was baked on the couch downstairs.

So I went down there and told her off. This was earlier this month. She didn't care. She even insisted that no smoking was never a condition when I moved in, which it was because if it wasn't I wouldn't have moved in.

Flash forward to now, she just got back from Florida and began smoking in the house again. I went downstairs and complained to her and she blew me off again. Tonight she did the same thing, and this time I snapped a little bit. I told her I'd do everything in my power to make her stop, basically told her to fuck herself, etc.. It's just such a frustrating situation. This morning I went to the office ladies and told them about the situation and they are sending a notice. They said if it keeps happening they will get their legal team involved but it's unclear how much they can do since Emma has her weed prescribed. My mom has also been trying to deal with the situation and said something to Emma's mom. I wanted to get something done that way since Emma is coddled by Mommy and Mommy can probably get her to stop. But if that doesn't work, it will be a lot of force from the apartment complex itself and of course me, and I have now made clear my intention to raise havoc.

My reasoning for not wanting smoke inside the house is pretty obvious. It smells up the whole apartment when she smokes downstairs, and medical weed has such a strong scent that it actually wakes me up if I'm asleep. I think that within itself is reasonable. She can always use a dab pen or edibles like me to avoid the smell, but she'd rather take four huge bong hits (before driving, no less). I also have pets downstairs. Gibraltar, and also my three lizards. Smoking indoors is not recommended with any of these animals. Even before Emma began smoking inside, people complained that our place smelled like weed. I don't want my stuff smelling like weed. Even if it's her "medical right", which it might not even be, the other factors in the situation beg that weed just not be smoked inside. For the safety of my pets, our items, and my down payment. I don't think this is unreasonable. When I brought it up to her, specifically the pet thing, she either blew me off or laughed.

I should also mention that Emma does not smoke responsibly. Although I guess I already have, seeing as she literally has to get high to drive. I've been thinking about reporting her to the police but I'm unsure of how to go about it. She also drinks and drives and already got one DUI in the time I've lived here. She buys tons of weed and tons of alcohol and has functioning dependencies to straight up chronic alcoholism. Her character is even worse than her drug habits. She is self important, ignorant, and borderline delusional with how she perceives her relationships with people. Honestly, I've learned my lesson from this now, but I have used her several times to get weed and alcohol for myself because it's just so fucking easy. I always pay her back, but I'm afraid this will be used against me if parents are involved. I don't really care about preserving her as a "plug", and I am far too upset with the situation now to ever consider that again I think. The one pro about Emma is that she doesn't care if I buy through her because my drug use is so insignificant in comparison. I am not addicted and incapable of personal betterment. Or critical thinking. Or basic thinking, honestly.

The worst part about this situation is that I am being used and I that, to me, is just completely unacceptable. Not just in a personal pride kind of way. It brings me a lot of anxiety, not to be confused with just stress, which, yes there is a lot of that, too. I feel stuck where I am because I can't do anything too malicious without it coming back to bite me, but also have to work in tandem with my mom and go through her whole formal argument rigmarole for anything to change. My mom told me not to get feisty but it's too late now. The text war I had with Emma today was rage-induced and harmful to the efforts I'm trying to make to get her to stop in other areas. I don't think I've been this angry at anyone before and it occurred to me that I don't know how to deal with it. But I just can't stand being taken advantage of, especially by a lowlife junkie. It's infuriating and so, so stressful. I can't get used to it or get it out of my head, especially at night when the weed fumes seep into my room and make my throat hurt. Admittedly, I've resorted to what I tend to do when I'm frustrated and have been self harming. Not in the cutting way, it's different than that but still destructive and dangerous for my body. In addition to getting Emma to stop, I also need to deal with this and the lack of sleep in the meantime. I can't expect the people involved to sympathize or even begin to understand this, but it is really starting to take a toll on me. Just all of it, in general.

I have already looked into moving out before this was a problem, but there is no reasonable way for me to do so. Apartments in Galloway are slim and there is the challenge of finding a roommate to replace me even if I did find a place to stay. How would I even begin to explain that to my replacement? There's also the problem of actually moving, which would require a lot of time and manpower. My parents would have to help in that case and I don't know how to hide all my alcohol, weed, and other private stuff from them. It seems like any option would create a mountain of stress that I can't deal with now since I'm leaving for Europe in 19 days, and after that, school starts immediately.

I'm thinking that maybe I could transfer schools or something. Go to the UK maybe. That would be the real dream, but that's expensive as fuck as well. I guess we'll just see how it goes. I think I'll probably end up staying here on really bad terms with both my roommates. (The other one, Jade, is a whole other story...) But for now, I'm gonna be annoyingly ironic and get high to take my mind of this. And maybe just sleep. It's difficult when I feel so trapped and stressed like this.

This summer has been pretty enjoyable so far. I lack the variety of events and interactions that I would normally write about on here during the school year I think, but some notable things have happened that I feel I should probably write down. June has been a slow month, and for the most part I've just been enjoying the weather, pursuing different interests, and working on several creative projects that have filled in the spot where this journal usually is. I also feel that I have been a lot less lonely recently, which is bizarre seeing as I have absolutely zero real life friends to hang out with (with the exception of Johnny and my other old friends at the station). I complained about it because I was seriously depressed back in May and early June. I've been really happy though. I think it's just because it's been so long. I feel fulfilled by my online friendships and I don't really know how to explain my relationship with the whole thing, but something has changed and I haven't felt lonely in the slightest.

Some remarkable things that happened last month include my dad's 52nd birthday, which we spent together down here. The Dead Kennedys were playing at Anchor Rock Club so we saw them together and it was great. We met a mother and son that were around our ages and stuck with them all night. Johnny was there, too, so it was a weird mix of people I like in the same place. He had a good time. It was weird being in a mosh pit with my dad. It was also weird crowdsurfing with my dad. I got to cross that one off the bucket list...

I also very recently got a new job after leaving my other one at the Surf Mall some time ago. I did gig work for Edible Arrangements for a couple days where I delivered orders to people in all the beach towns surrounding Somers Point. I enjoyed it a lot so I called up the delivery service that provides the drivers and asked them for a permanent part-time position. Thankfully, it worked out so tonight I start shift #3. So far on the last two I've delivered in and around Northfield for a few different businesses, and tonight I am stationed at a pizza joint. It's honestly very enjoyable work. It's not super profitable or anything but I get to drive, meet people, listen to my tunes, wear what I want, and keep my piercings (which was up in the air for awhile with other jobs of a similar nature that I had been accepted for). I like that I get to call the shots and feel depended on. Even though it's just delivery, this dynamic has so far been great for me.

Other than that nothing is really new. Corey and I finished Breaking Bad and now we are watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Things have been great as ever in that arena. I went to the urgent care twice this week... uh... what else? I made baked potato skins. And Gibraltar ate half a raw pork chop off the counter yesterday, but he was fine. Very interesting, I know. There's really not all that much to talk about that I haven't already written about already, but I'm okay taking it slow right now. There are some things worthy of their own entries that I'll work on when I have the time. I'm content with where I am and what I have to look forward to, though. Maybe soon things will pick up a bit and I'll have more interesting stuff to discuss.

In regards to what has happened in Uvalde…

The shock of this shooting went over almost immediately it feels like. Maybe that’s because a shooting happens every other month in this country. This one is special, though, because in the post-Trump America people actually have the nerve to defend the horrible police response to no end. It’s pathetic, really.

One of the worst arguments I’ve heard is that “it’s not the function of the police to risk their lives in this scenario.” That’s actually a valid justification because they are right, it isn’t. Cops in America aren’t trained to “protect and serve” like they boast on the sides of their cruisers. An article I read the other day put it in simple terms; the police aren’t there to protect, they are there to criminalize. They are there to meet quotas and persecute minorities, not save children from active shooters. A cop is not willing to put his life on the line because his job isn’t even dangerous and noble like it’s made out to be. People who think police are heroes are misinformed and victims of law enforcement propaganda. Thank God they arrested that homeless guy! They really are keeping our neighborhoods safe from teenagers with spray cans. Their response to fender benders? Truly remarkable and praiseworthy. You’d assume a town like Uvalde, which spends 40% of their tax money on a SWAT team, would be able to prepare and respond to an event like this, but they didn’t. And they never will, because that SWAT team is just proof of how law enforcement is fetishized in this country. An accessory at best, that fails when it is actually needed. Remarkably, people defending the Uvalde police right now seem totally okay with the fact that it isn’t there job to take down a shooter. Then what is their job, Susan? Tell me, Kenneth, who is supposed to deal with that? The kids themselves? Tough shit for those elementary schoolers, I guess. If something being “technically legal” is enough for right-wingers to rationalize the deaths of 19 children, that’s not good enough. The function of the police needs to be challenged but the right would rather die than admit that their precious SWAT team is a corrupt waste of fucking money. Because America!

Another argument I saw the other day… “the cops could’ve gotten hurt!” So true sister, the poor cops could’ve gotten hurt. We shouldn’t expect them to deal with crime! It’s dangerous! How terrible. Let’s let all these kids die instead. NEXT.

It goes without saying that Uvalde failed in every sense with their police response, procedures, and press follow ups. They are still doubling down and refusing to own up to this as a catastrophic failure of their department. But to me, it’s not even that. It’s completely consistent with how law enforcement responds to shit like this. As tragic as this whole thing is, I’m not shocked. I doubt anyone my age is. You didn’t get a proper American high school experience if you didn’t hide in a classroom and text your parents you love them at least once.

Now we get to prepare for the plethora of liberal campaigns that will come in the wake of this, just like with Parkland. Walkouts, protests, shallow speeches from every American politician ever, corporate charity work, the whole shebang. “This was a tragedy. We want to ensure this never happens again.” But it will, and nothing will change. Just another day in God’s favorite country.

I’m depressed. There’s not much else to say. I hate when this happens because most of the beauty of life just gets sucked away and I can’t force myself to feel better because if it were that easy, I’d never be depressed. No amount of rational thought can fix it. “It’s in your head!” Yes, good job, where else would it be? Where did you think it was? A fair bit is hormonal, admittedly, but I don’t think “my glands” is a great answer to the question.

Recently (as in the last month) I have been sleeping for 11+ hours a day when I usually sleep for eight or nine. I stay in bed for a couple more hours because I can’t think of anything good to do, even if I have projects to work on. I burned some CDs and stuff last week and that’s basically it. The motivation is completely gone. Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you what I do all day… I watch a lot of House now. I eat like, one meal a day. And I talk to people online. Vic hasn’t really been keeping in touch so I have literally no one in real life to talk to and hang out with, at least no one my age. I know that’s why I’m always sad and listless. I feel kind of like a bird who lost its eggs and has nothing to sit on, nothing to take care of, only time to waste until next season. I desperately crave company and I can’t think of a single way to get it since everyone is home for the summer. Meanwhile I’m trapped here at Stockton.

My drug use hasn’t been bad like it was the last time I was like this. In fact, I’m smoking much less weed. When I do it makes me feel normal and happy and I think that’s how people become addicted to things like that so I’m taking it easy. This being said, I cry so regularly now that I make sure I get it out before I shower or wear makeup. It is tempting to just be high all the time. Living like this is so fun and quirky!

This is all that has been on my mind really. I could tell you about The Exploited show or seeing The Dead Milkmen last week but it’s the same old story. Get high, end up on stage, leave covered in various unknown liquids, you know the drill. My radio show is up and running though so that’s been the one good hobby I’ve really been holding on to right now. 2-4 PM EST on Mondays, 91.7 WLFR. If anyone reading this cares to listen, you can find the streaming link easily online.

I’m going to Georgia soon. The 1st of June to the 5th. Maybe that will get my spirits up for at least a little while. I’ve been swimming and hiking by myself so at least I stay kinda active. Still, as good as it is to enjoy summer, something is just holding me back and I wish I could sleep the next two months away or something. Or maybe the universe can bring me a best friend to swim and hike and watch House with. Please?

I guess I was due to get Covid at some point. I came down with something a couple days ago and took a rapid test, sure enough, it was positive. The last 72 hours or so have been... uncomfortable to say the least. Especially since it's exam week. But I have the time to write, and since things are winding down with school and all I thought I'd do a larger life update.

I'm nearly done with my first year of college, and that feels insane considering I thought I'd drop out. I think of all that I've done and all that has changed about me since the beginning of the academic year and honestly, I feel like a completely different person. I really mean it. I must be completely unrecognizable.

As I wrote back in September:

"I'm excited to make new friends and memories. One thing I love about myself is that I'm always changing and I'm looking forward to seeing what college does to me. As long as I can keep up with my classes, I think I'll be alright. Everything else is just a cakewalk to me."

University has helped me learn a lot about myself, and has also given me an opportunity to take charge of not just my education but myself in general. I came out of high school with a pretty grim perspective on my future since I barely scraped by. Thinking back to what I was learning in high school, it's strange because I distinctly remember being disinterested and totally unengaged in subjects that I now learn about in my free time, just because. Old me didn't want to learn about much. Now I have tapped into all these different subjects and hobbies and I feel better than ever. It's a bit sad I guess because I wonder what the current me would've been like in that setting. I think about all the teachers I disappointed and while that isn't something that really weighs on me until I think about it, I would like to go back to MCST before the year ends and update some of my teachers who definitely knew I was tweaking in class. I have overcome a lot since that, and grown as a person. Nine months ago, I was pretty nervous about all of this. Since then, everything has gone up. I watched five seasons of Glee, adopted a cat, met someone that I love, gone to so many places, met so many people, saw so many shows... it was everything I needed.

So I can't really be that mad about being in bed with Covid right now, even though I wouldn't stop bitching about it yesterday. I'm quite happy, actually. Once my exams are totally over (May 3rd is the last day of the semester) I'll surely celebrate. Maybe jointly with Corey since that's his birthday. And then, life will be a dream this summer, with so many new adventures to be had and avenues of life to embrace. Once I get over this case of the sniffles, I'll be getting right to it.

A week or so ago I was in a really good mood. It was a nice day and I had some errands to run, so I was out in Galloway blasting my music and enjoying my day.

Someone once told me my happiness is contagious, and I guess maybe it is for some people. I've definitely met folks who don't entertain the same playfulness, but once in awhile I'll find myself sharing some interesting experience with a stranger. Honestly, I think it's just because my voice is expressive. Maybe I seem easily approachable when I'm in a good mood. I sure hope so.

Anyways, I went to get gas the other day at the local chainless gas station because it has the lowest prices at the moment. $4.01 a gallon last week when I was there, and now they are down to $3.97. The place was packed, cars waiting in a line and gas attendants frantic because, well... that's Jersey. I rolled up and fiddled with my music and began singing along to something I forget until one of the attendants came up to serve me. He was older, in his 50s or early 60s, and had a grizzled gray face. He kind of looked like a lumberjack or a person from a fantasy game. And after he took my card and I told him the usual, "fillerupregular please thank you", he came back and just asked me on the spot:

"How many miserable people do you think there are?"

I kinda laughed at first because it caught me off guard.

"You mean just in general? Or..."

"Just here."

Odd question. I turned it over in my head a bit and thought back to my experience in service positions. I couldn't tell you how many miserable people there are in New Jersey. Probably a lot. Especially when they have to buy gas and are in a hurry. The road culture is one of the worst things about this state. A lot of people are always in a rush.

"I'd say it's like 50/50."

Then he looked me dead in the eyes and said,

"Here it's more like 20/80."

I'm not really sure why he asked me that. Maybe just to express frustration with the nature of such jobs. We talked and laughed a little more about I forget what until my tank was full. I was surprised he stuck around considering the place was so busy, but it was just one of those things. One of those things that sticks with me until I finally write about it. I don't know.

I haven't posted in forever and it feels good. I needed a break. Partially because nothing really exciting was happening, and because I simply did not want to. So I didn't. And now I do.

My spring break just ended. My roommates both went home on the 12th which left me 8 days to spend alone at the apartment, and that week proved to be one of the best I've had in awhile. I didn't make any crazy plans for break so I mostly just chilled out and enjoyed being alone. After all, it's rare to have the time and personal comfort to dance shirtless in my living room to the same songs over and over again. Or cook an omelet... shirtless. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was shirtless for a majority of the time I spent at home last week. I'm weird.

I did have some things on the itinerary, though. Amanda came down to Galloway for a sleepover and for the first time since prom weekend, we got drunk together. This time it wasn't a complete disaster because we had everything we needed. I sipped wine while she had vodka with juice, and we progressed to drinking straight rum. We mostly just talked while drunk which is pretty much what we do anyways, but I made some realizations about Amanda as she discussed the situation with her boyfriend and college. She has become complacent now that she is happy and some things are hard to talk to her about now. Her boyfriend makes her so happy, and she says she wants to marry him, but I'm not particularly fond of the guy. Also, marriage after dating for six months? Come on. Her stability makes me fear the worst... Amanda settles down with some himbo in a nice suburban home and starts a family, suddenly there goes her ability to think critically or care about any of the world's problems. It's a life I dread and I know what type of person Amanda is. I wondered if I could chalk my bitterness up to the social frustrations of my own life, but in many ways I'm in a similar position to her. I can't exactly elaborate on that. But anyways, while drunk, we played some Battleship and ate a ton of junk food and listened to music. It was fun overall. The next day, we went to a diner in Absecon which was probably the best one I've found around here so far. And that was it as far as hanging out with friends.

On the 18th I went to the one place I actually planned to go to over break: the Naval Air Station in Wildwood, NJ. It was the warmest day we've had yet this year, in the 70s, so I took a nice drive there and went to the aviation museum. It's on the quaint side, but online I saw they had a Soviet MiG-15. Needless to say, when I saw it I couldn't help but jump like an excited child. I walked around it for like 15 minutes just in awe at the size and design of it. They also had my favorite plane, the PT-17, in both the Navy and Army livery so I was freaking out about that. I talked to the workers in the gift shop (such a sleepy little location) and they said that the MiG was authentic and served in China. I stayed for about an hour and a half there and then went back home and learned more about planes. It really is an obsession.

Then on the 19th I had the Tame Impala concert. My Dad got me the ticket for Christmas and Tame Impala is one of my favorite artists. I went to Philly and took an edible for it but it didn't work, and so it was the most painfully sober concert I've been to in recent times... combined with a horrible crowd which might as well have been phone screens floating in the air recording everything. I wasn't really ecstatic about it. I feel horrible but it just wasn't memorable at all. I think now that I know what underground shows are like, I just can't enjoy a stadium show the same. Maybe if I petition hard enough I can get Tame Impala to play PhilaMOCA or the FU Church, with no annoying Euphoria-ass looking kids. Oh well. I feel so old and decrepit.

But overall when I look back at break, I had a fucking awesome time in my eyes. I just did whatever I wanted for a week. Who can complain about that?

Anyways, I've been thinking recently about how I'm doing socially because I haven't felt very lonely in a long while. I only talk to three people on a regular basis: Corey, Connor, and Vic. Maybe I just had to get used to how things are. I can't really tell if it's healthy or not but I'm happy so I'm not going to overthink it too much. The rest of what I need to write about regarding that will be a private entry, of which there have been quite a few recently. If it looks a bit sparse here right now, that is the reason why.

Radio is going well. School is alright, but I could be doing better. I'm trying to get on birth control soon and also get a job. So that's probably the stuff I'll be talking about in future entries. But for now, I'm in class and not paying attention so I should probably go.

I love when I listen to music and it brings me back to a specific place or memory. The other night I was listening to Lonerism (one of my favorite albums) and it took me right back to the top bunk of that cabin at a Girl Scout camp in Ohio, where I listened to it for the first time. It's such a pronounced and clearly defined memory. I was wearing my Gilly Hicks pink sleepwear and laying on top of my bedding because it was hot. For the rest of that trip I was infatuated with that album, and I still am, but nothing beats that feeling when you first discover some of your favorite music.

When I think about my time in Ohio, I am convinced it was magical. Being far from home makes me feel both completely independent and out of control at the same time, and that's why I like it. In Ohio, all I had to do was take my time and immerse myself in the beauty of Kelley's Island. I wish I could go back and just indulge myself in freshwater research and monarch tagging all over again. I'd do that year after year if I could. I've gone on a few of those Girl Scout hosted trips before, and I somehow always seem to forget the people I met. But I remember what I learned, and my individual interactions with nature while I was there. And also the music I listened to. When I listen to "Music To Walk Home By" I really feel like I'm back in the place where I first listened to it.

I want to do a lot of travelling in my life, and I have done a bit already. I've seen more of this country than most I'd say, from Maine to Florida to Washington to Arizona and a significant area of what is in between. This country has remarkable natural beauty and strange, diverse cities. I want to see much more of it before I die, but I also want to get the fuck out of America and see everything else, too. I wonder what amazing places I'll have been to 20 years from now. I will gladly live in a small house and put money aside just to be able to travel. And maybe one day, I won't live here. The idea is so tempting I don't know what to do with it. To think that people live and die in the same stupid suburb they were born in is so confusing to me. I will definitely make sure that will not be happening to me.

I am burnt out again, and in most capacities, I am bored.

What really is there to do around here? Coursework, sure. Hang out with Vic, get high, go to the convenience store purely out of boredom... and that's it. You need money to have a good time around here, at least in winter. It's brining me down. I'm definitely not on my peak game at the moment and that feeling of slipping is reminiscent of high school. I feel like I'm becoming useless to myself again, and that's the last way I want to feel.

I don't get it. Recently I've felt that I've had everything I've ever wanted in my life, shouldn't it feel spectacular? In many ways it does, but not overall. I think I am just sad or something. I'm wondering if it might have something to do with my poor eating habits recently, although as far as I can tell that is a side effect of being bummed out. This past week I've only made food for myself once a day out of obligation, and that has to catch up with me at some point. It could also just be that my workload keeps me on my toes, in which case, I need to relax. Nothing can be perfect all the time, right? But I am terrified of failure. Oh well, that's life I guess. Knowing myself, whatever it is will work itself out in time. The next entry I'll probably be just fine and dandy again.