Hey Mom, Fuck You
Jun. 4th, 2022 03:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleMay 31st was not a very fun day. This whole week has been not very fun, or, well, it’s misery under the guise of fun I guess? I've been in Georgia and usually the whole "not being home" thing excites me, but vacation isn't really vacation when I'm with my parents at this age. Just like family isn't family, and fun isn't fun.
I got in a huge argument with my mom on the 31st. Recently things have been difficult with her because I probably wasn't as cautious as I should have been with her in regards to my... relationships with other people. I guess. She has me figured out in ways I don't like, or at least she thinks she does. Basically, she made some offhand comment to me the other day. One of those "I'm going to say this because I don't trust you enough to assume you would do this without me telling you to" types of comments. "You better text me every day when you are in the UK! I need the names and addresses of these people you are staying with." It peeves me. Not because I don't want to be safe, not because the action itself necessarily bothers me. It's because it's my control freak mom asking, and I feel uncomfortable giving into anything when it comes to her these days. During May it became especially weird. I don't really get the impression that she trusts me and I don't really aim for that anymore, to be fair, but it has caused her to become almost obsessively judgmental. Looking back I think she always was, I just needed to reach that point where I was no longer in line with any vision she had for me. She's so skeptical, and has gone back on some of her "values" now that they pertain to me. It's shitty.
But anyways, she threw a huge fit about this UK thing when I said I'm not going to give her all that information, and she didn't hesitate to shout at me within two seconds of that. It lasted forever it felt like. Eventually, I had to yell at her to stop over and over because she refused to disengage. It makes me so upset just thinking about it, honestly. The argument was so bad that I left the house without dinner just as my grandparents pulled into our driveway. I felt sorta bad about that part initially, but I don't now. As I walked away my mom stood in the driveway and gave me a coarse "Excuse me?" I looked back at her, made up my mind, and left. I went to a schoolyard, found a corner, sat down, and cried.
About 30 minutes later my dad asked where I was so he could pick me up and talk to me. I agreed because even though my mom keeps that guy on a short leash, he's a good parent. I was upfront with him this time with everything. I don't want to get in depth about this conversation. My dad wants to fix things, but I warned him that he might not be able to. I just want to run away, which is pretty hard to do when you are stuck in the car with you parents for 13 hours heading to Georgia. Yes, this happened the day before we left. Everything about that road trip sucked. Even worse, my parents booked this really small rental with only one bedroom and no doors besides the bathroom, so I have had practically no privacy for the last four days. At all. In any sense. Even writing this right now is difficult. I've been dragged all over Savannah with my parents, who I now know would rather keep me in line and unhappy with them than let me be myself. I can't curse or express myself or offer any idea without being chastised and shut down. I've just started remaining quiet altogether because it only stays funny for so long. Every night I've been here I've just dreamt of my bed at home. My weighted blanket, my cozy pillows, and you know, my right to be my own person. I miss my cat. I miss my own company. I did some cool things by myself here and had some really awesome food, but aside from that it's just a load of pretending and I'm really not into it.
So I think I'm going to be like August. I know I said I didn't want to be like them, but I see how much healthier they are here when Mom and Dad aren't around. We spent some time together on Wednesday night at their apartment. They are the happiest they've ever been, with a healthy relationship and great friends and no Mom. Around our parents they turn back into that reserved, monotone August I always knew at home. They told me they won't be calling our mom nearly as much as she thinks once they start paying their own rent, and I can't blame them. I truly think it's the best option for both of us.
This is a hard thing to say but I don't really think happy thoughts when I think about family anymore. It gets exhausting waiting and hoping that things will change only to be let down over and over again. I want family that feels like family. I want to be supported and loved for who I am, not constantly reminded of who I couldn't be. Maybe one day I will find it, but what I know now and what August knows is that I will not find it here.
I got in a huge argument with my mom on the 31st. Recently things have been difficult with her because I probably wasn't as cautious as I should have been with her in regards to my... relationships with other people. I guess. She has me figured out in ways I don't like, or at least she thinks she does. Basically, she made some offhand comment to me the other day. One of those "I'm going to say this because I don't trust you enough to assume you would do this without me telling you to" types of comments. "You better text me every day when you are in the UK! I need the names and addresses of these people you are staying with." It peeves me. Not because I don't want to be safe, not because the action itself necessarily bothers me. It's because it's my control freak mom asking, and I feel uncomfortable giving into anything when it comes to her these days. During May it became especially weird. I don't really get the impression that she trusts me and I don't really aim for that anymore, to be fair, but it has caused her to become almost obsessively judgmental. Looking back I think she always was, I just needed to reach that point where I was no longer in line with any vision she had for me. She's so skeptical, and has gone back on some of her "values" now that they pertain to me. It's shitty.
But anyways, she threw a huge fit about this UK thing when I said I'm not going to give her all that information, and she didn't hesitate to shout at me within two seconds of that. It lasted forever it felt like. Eventually, I had to yell at her to stop over and over because she refused to disengage. It makes me so upset just thinking about it, honestly. The argument was so bad that I left the house without dinner just as my grandparents pulled into our driveway. I felt sorta bad about that part initially, but I don't now. As I walked away my mom stood in the driveway and gave me a coarse "Excuse me?" I looked back at her, made up my mind, and left. I went to a schoolyard, found a corner, sat down, and cried.
About 30 minutes later my dad asked where I was so he could pick me up and talk to me. I agreed because even though my mom keeps that guy on a short leash, he's a good parent. I was upfront with him this time with everything. I don't want to get in depth about this conversation. My dad wants to fix things, but I warned him that he might not be able to. I just want to run away, which is pretty hard to do when you are stuck in the car with you parents for 13 hours heading to Georgia. Yes, this happened the day before we left. Everything about that road trip sucked. Even worse, my parents booked this really small rental with only one bedroom and no doors besides the bathroom, so I have had practically no privacy for the last four days. At all. In any sense. Even writing this right now is difficult. I've been dragged all over Savannah with my parents, who I now know would rather keep me in line and unhappy with them than let me be myself. I can't curse or express myself or offer any idea without being chastised and shut down. I've just started remaining quiet altogether because it only stays funny for so long. Every night I've been here I've just dreamt of my bed at home. My weighted blanket, my cozy pillows, and you know, my right to be my own person. I miss my cat. I miss my own company. I did some cool things by myself here and had some really awesome food, but aside from that it's just a load of pretending and I'm really not into it.
So I think I'm going to be like August. I know I said I didn't want to be like them, but I see how much healthier they are here when Mom and Dad aren't around. We spent some time together on Wednesday night at their apartment. They are the happiest they've ever been, with a healthy relationship and great friends and no Mom. Around our parents they turn back into that reserved, monotone August I always knew at home. They told me they won't be calling our mom nearly as much as she thinks once they start paying their own rent, and I can't blame them. I truly think it's the best option for both of us.
This is a hard thing to say but I don't really think happy thoughts when I think about family anymore. It gets exhausting waiting and hoping that things will change only to be let down over and over again. I want family that feels like family. I want to be supported and loved for who I am, not constantly reminded of who I couldn't be. Maybe one day I will find it, but what I know now and what August knows is that I will not find it here.
