Why Did You Say That?
Mar. 1st, 2022 09:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleI was thinking the other night before bed about how I've been acting at school and in public. Sometimes I get freaked out for this oddly specific reason... this self-loathing idea that I say a lot of dumb, tactless shit to people without realizing it. But every time I get to thinking about that, it all comes back to me feeling like I need someone else's approval and judgement when it comes to my behavior. This "someone else" being my mom. As much as I resent her still, I feel like I have no way to crosscheck my every action, and so I just assume that since she's not here I am constantly making mistakes with no correction.
And it's true that I did used to be quite loudmouthed and insensitive. It was never on purpose when I was younger, and now it just happens when I get socially awkward. On occasion I will say something on purpose, but usually I just feel like and idiot. I remember distinctly being at family parties, Girl Scout meetings, wherever, and saying something only to be met with a glare or sharp comment from my mom. It was a horrible feeling. The worst part was always getting in the car to go home and anticipating another lecture about something I said or did. When it didn't happen, I felt relieved because I became conditioned to a cycle of searching for approval and being punished verbally for whatever dumb thing came out of my mouth. It makes me a bit insecure when I'm by myself now, since I still have such a poor grasp on social interaction. In some ways I feel that I have been supported for the person I am by my peers in college, but in high school I remember that treatment was purely because I was some sort of novelty or joke. If I'm not the class clown, and I'm not living for my mom's constant approval, then I have no idea what I am and I have no idea how to be myself. All I can do is just hope that I don't piss off everyone around me. I'm 90% sure I don't, but how can I be sure? It's not like they would tell me.
At the same time, I am not met with the sarcastic and condescending inflections of some people like I was in high school. If I were, I think I'd stand up for myself. There was a handful of girls who used to do that to me... Sofia, Sierra, Megan, and some bitch whose name I forget but I remember she didn't believe in global warming. Should I really care about people like that? No, obviously. But when I feel I've said something stupid, or I feel that I have messed up in any way that will affect other people's opinion of me, I torture myself with it forever. Or at least a few years. My need for perfection around others is so heavy and I don't know how to undo that.
My mom told me back in December while we were fighting... "Therapists always blame the mom. It's always the mom's fault." She was so upset about what I had expressed to her, it almost made me doubt myself. But no, my therapist was always right on the money. It was usually my mom's fault. And I think this is. Even if we are on good terms, I won't let myself forget why she's a shitty parent.
And it's true that I did used to be quite loudmouthed and insensitive. It was never on purpose when I was younger, and now it just happens when I get socially awkward. On occasion I will say something on purpose, but usually I just feel like and idiot. I remember distinctly being at family parties, Girl Scout meetings, wherever, and saying something only to be met with a glare or sharp comment from my mom. It was a horrible feeling. The worst part was always getting in the car to go home and anticipating another lecture about something I said or did. When it didn't happen, I felt relieved because I became conditioned to a cycle of searching for approval and being punished verbally for whatever dumb thing came out of my mouth. It makes me a bit insecure when I'm by myself now, since I still have such a poor grasp on social interaction. In some ways I feel that I have been supported for the person I am by my peers in college, but in high school I remember that treatment was purely because I was some sort of novelty or joke. If I'm not the class clown, and I'm not living for my mom's constant approval, then I have no idea what I am and I have no idea how to be myself. All I can do is just hope that I don't piss off everyone around me. I'm 90% sure I don't, but how can I be sure? It's not like they would tell me.
At the same time, I am not met with the sarcastic and condescending inflections of some people like I was in high school. If I were, I think I'd stand up for myself. There was a handful of girls who used to do that to me... Sofia, Sierra, Megan, and some bitch whose name I forget but I remember she didn't believe in global warming. Should I really care about people like that? No, obviously. But when I feel I've said something stupid, or I feel that I have messed up in any way that will affect other people's opinion of me, I torture myself with it forever. Or at least a few years. My need for perfection around others is so heavy and I don't know how to undo that.
My mom told me back in December while we were fighting... "Therapists always blame the mom. It's always the mom's fault." She was so upset about what I had expressed to her, it almost made me doubt myself. But no, my therapist was always right on the money. It was usually my mom's fault. And I think this is. Even if we are on good terms, I won't let myself forget why she's a shitty parent.
