Even A Worm Will Turn
Jan. 2nd, 2022 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleOh, the horror! The disarray! The day has come, January 2nd, the day to end all days...
Not really, but I did fight with Mom today so that was fun. I'm being a bit playful with this. I can't say what happened was exactly bad, but obviously quarreling with a family member isn't a desirable occurrence.
As this guy I don't know from the 1500's once said, "Treade a worme on the tayle, and it must turne agayne." Clearly that shit makes no sense, but the common translation of this phrase in the modern day is one I keep particularly close: "Even a worm will turn." It means that even a timid person can reach their limit and retaliate at some point, and today I experienced it at its finest.
The situation between Mom and I has reached new levels. The conditions were delightfully perfect tonight. We were arguing like usual but then she said something along the lines of "I hate being abused by my children". That's when I completely snapped. I'm not really one to yell, but I did shout briefly to let her know I was serious and we entered an hour long argument. I told her that August and I talked, and that we both hate being home, and that she has traumatized us with her behavior and needs a damn therapist. Of course she didn't seem to absorb a single word of it, but when does she ever listen. I am sincere when I say that watching her pathetically defend herself through tears was enough. After the screaming I was pretty collected while riding the high, and after about an hour of clarifying how much we hate being around each other we settled on some terms. She demanded my respect, which I just scoffed at. I told her if she wants respect then she better start giving it. Here were all the things I requested of her:
- She can no longer invade my privacy (physically and digitally)
- She has to stop devaluing me because of my age
- I get to go where I want when I want without her permission
- I don't have to "watch my profanity"
- She can't make comments about how I spend my money
- When I point things out to her, she can't react by throwing a fit every single time
- She must consider going to therapy
In return, I have to "respect her back". If she can meet my requirements I guess I will to keep it amicable (I need my tuition money) although either way I will be pretending. I tried to tell her that all of these demands should go without saying for a person my age, but apparently I'm crazy for that. If she ever disrespects them, I will wreak a havoc unknown to her with this confidence. And anyways, she is the one person I can never forgive. Even though we worked something out tonight, she proved why I hate her even further. She committed to trying to justify every example of abusive behavior I threw at her, and even denied some of the horrible memories that have stuck with me since childhood. It was pretty unsettling watching her paint herself as a saint before me, claiming she is the victim in all of this. She is not the type of person to ever admit she's wrong, and I don't think she actually believes she ever is. My mother is an emotionally abusive person, and if anything, I am thrilled that she wants me gone just as much as I want to leave. This argument disturbed me deeply, but I'm glad I finally lashed out. She deserves it. I'm sick and tired of living under the control of others, especially a manipulative person like herself. Now I am one step closer to being free. The rest will come after college.
So yeah, hopefully this is one of the last entries I ever have to make about this. I feel like it's the only thing on my mind since I've come home. It has been constant work and stress recently, so not much desire to write about anything else. Mentally I'm not in the best place but that was probably the catalyst. Maybe now things can be a bit easier at home, but I can't say that's the goal. The goal is to make it to the 17th and go the fuck back to college.
Not really, but I did fight with Mom today so that was fun. I'm being a bit playful with this. I can't say what happened was exactly bad, but obviously quarreling with a family member isn't a desirable occurrence.
As this guy I don't know from the 1500's once said, "Treade a worme on the tayle, and it must turne agayne." Clearly that shit makes no sense, but the common translation of this phrase in the modern day is one I keep particularly close: "Even a worm will turn." It means that even a timid person can reach their limit and retaliate at some point, and today I experienced it at its finest.
The situation between Mom and I has reached new levels. The conditions were delightfully perfect tonight. We were arguing like usual but then she said something along the lines of "I hate being abused by my children". That's when I completely snapped. I'm not really one to yell, but I did shout briefly to let her know I was serious and we entered an hour long argument. I told her that August and I talked, and that we both hate being home, and that she has traumatized us with her behavior and needs a damn therapist. Of course she didn't seem to absorb a single word of it, but when does she ever listen. I am sincere when I say that watching her pathetically defend herself through tears was enough. After the screaming I was pretty collected while riding the high, and after about an hour of clarifying how much we hate being around each other we settled on some terms. She demanded my respect, which I just scoffed at. I told her if she wants respect then she better start giving it. Here were all the things I requested of her:
- She can no longer invade my privacy (physically and digitally)
- She has to stop devaluing me because of my age
- I get to go where I want when I want without her permission
- I don't have to "watch my profanity"
- She can't make comments about how I spend my money
- When I point things out to her, she can't react by throwing a fit every single time
- She must consider going to therapy
In return, I have to "respect her back". If she can meet my requirements I guess I will to keep it amicable (I need my tuition money) although either way I will be pretending. I tried to tell her that all of these demands should go without saying for a person my age, but apparently I'm crazy for that. If she ever disrespects them, I will wreak a havoc unknown to her with this confidence. And anyways, she is the one person I can never forgive. Even though we worked something out tonight, she proved why I hate her even further. She committed to trying to justify every example of abusive behavior I threw at her, and even denied some of the horrible memories that have stuck with me since childhood. It was pretty unsettling watching her paint herself as a saint before me, claiming she is the victim in all of this. She is not the type of person to ever admit she's wrong, and I don't think she actually believes she ever is. My mother is an emotionally abusive person, and if anything, I am thrilled that she wants me gone just as much as I want to leave. This argument disturbed me deeply, but I'm glad I finally lashed out. She deserves it. I'm sick and tired of living under the control of others, especially a manipulative person like herself. Now I am one step closer to being free. The rest will come after college.
So yeah, hopefully this is one of the last entries I ever have to make about this. I feel like it's the only thing on my mind since I've come home. It has been constant work and stress recently, so not much desire to write about anything else. Mentally I'm not in the best place but that was probably the catalyst. Maybe now things can be a bit easier at home, but I can't say that's the goal. The goal is to make it to the 17th and go the fuck back to college.
