August, Mother, & A Sick Fish
Dec. 27th, 2021 08:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleToday I finally got to talk to my sibling.
I mentioned a few entries back that I was planning to go to Philly with August, but the COVID spike ruined our plans. Fortunately, due to recent events, we have been on good terms this past week. It feels good to have natural conversations and to get to know them.
Today, August asked me if I wanted to go to the convenience store. I was all up in a project and said no at first, until I realized I would totally regret not spending time with them. You know I like a person if I halt my fixations just to hang out with them. I was wondering prior to coming home how I might bring up talking about Mom when the moment arose, but with everything that happened on Christmas, it was fairly easy. We talked about it, and it wasn't anything tear jerking but I am so relieved that I have someone to talk to about this.
August said that therapy helped them understand how much of their issues were caused by Mom. Therapy also partially helped me come to that conclusion. We talked about how she projects all of her insecurities on us, and how she is so obsessed with treating us like girls. We both have distinct memories about being preteens and having her tell us we needed to start shaving. Bizarre things. August says that Mom is still overbearing with them, even though they live 800 miles away for most of the year. Through text I always found it more manageable, but maybe that's because I am still in New Jersey. Seeing as August was obviously my mother's favorite child, I imagine her concern is overwhelming and annoying. Also, August is one of the few people who have seen the extent of my OCD just from living with me. I told them how that impacted my relationship with Mom, who has always had an obsession with the appearance of my hair and told me in middle school that I would look "ugly at prom and graduation and throughout college" (as if I had a choice). Obviously I am not the only one who dealt with self-esteem issues created by Mom. August says that coming home is difficult because they are subject to her constant guilt-tripping and sobbing sessions, something they label as "suburban white woman syndrome". We agreed that she has no emotional intelligence, and we both deal with the same guilt. A person we hate also pays for our amazing lives away from her.
It was an indescribable relief to get that all off my chest, and I think August probably feels similarly. I think this was a necessary and forward step in our relationship.
Anyways, I've been up to the usual stuff. Or, well, usual in terms of North Jersey. Work has been awesome because I missed everyone there so much. The people I work with are so sincere and tight-knit. I also had an eye-opening conversation with a customer yesterday who is Jamaican and told me that many of the cultural products made in America are bastardized and modified to prioritize white demographics. It was interesting hearing his experiences with it because his ethnicity has such a rich culinary aspect. I love when small talk snowballs into full on conversations like that. In this case, he had asked me if I'm able to figure a person out from the food they buy, and somehow we got into a long-winded discussion about whitewashing. What a cool guy. I always feel lucky when people like that somehow end up on my line.
I just called my dad and we are going to stop by my apartment tomorrow to check on my lizards and fish. Lazlow is sick right now and I've been worrying about it all week. I did my best to treat him before I left for break, but 10 days is a VERY long time to leave a fish that needs daily water changes and unfortunately this was the soonest I could go back to check on him. I'll feel really horrible if he dies, even though I am confident I've done all that I can. Poor Lazlow. I think about him every day. Bringing him home with me was too risky, but maybe I will try that now because he needs treatment and I need the peace of mind. If he has died, I will be absolutely heartbroken. At least in that case my dad will be there to console me.
I mentioned a few entries back that I was planning to go to Philly with August, but the COVID spike ruined our plans. Fortunately, due to recent events, we have been on good terms this past week. It feels good to have natural conversations and to get to know them.
Today, August asked me if I wanted to go to the convenience store. I was all up in a project and said no at first, until I realized I would totally regret not spending time with them. You know I like a person if I halt my fixations just to hang out with them. I was wondering prior to coming home how I might bring up talking about Mom when the moment arose, but with everything that happened on Christmas, it was fairly easy. We talked about it, and it wasn't anything tear jerking but I am so relieved that I have someone to talk to about this.
August said that therapy helped them understand how much of their issues were caused by Mom. Therapy also partially helped me come to that conclusion. We talked about how she projects all of her insecurities on us, and how she is so obsessed with treating us like girls. We both have distinct memories about being preteens and having her tell us we needed to start shaving. Bizarre things. August says that Mom is still overbearing with them, even though they live 800 miles away for most of the year. Through text I always found it more manageable, but maybe that's because I am still in New Jersey. Seeing as August was obviously my mother's favorite child, I imagine her concern is overwhelming and annoying. Also, August is one of the few people who have seen the extent of my OCD just from living with me. I told them how that impacted my relationship with Mom, who has always had an obsession with the appearance of my hair and told me in middle school that I would look "ugly at prom and graduation and throughout college" (as if I had a choice). Obviously I am not the only one who dealt with self-esteem issues created by Mom. August says that coming home is difficult because they are subject to her constant guilt-tripping and sobbing sessions, something they label as "suburban white woman syndrome". We agreed that she has no emotional intelligence, and we both deal with the same guilt. A person we hate also pays for our amazing lives away from her.
It was an indescribable relief to get that all off my chest, and I think August probably feels similarly. I think this was a necessary and forward step in our relationship.
Anyways, I've been up to the usual stuff. Or, well, usual in terms of North Jersey. Work has been awesome because I missed everyone there so much. The people I work with are so sincere and tight-knit. I also had an eye-opening conversation with a customer yesterday who is Jamaican and told me that many of the cultural products made in America are bastardized and modified to prioritize white demographics. It was interesting hearing his experiences with it because his ethnicity has such a rich culinary aspect. I love when small talk snowballs into full on conversations like that. In this case, he had asked me if I'm able to figure a person out from the food they buy, and somehow we got into a long-winded discussion about whitewashing. What a cool guy. I always feel lucky when people like that somehow end up on my line.
I just called my dad and we are going to stop by my apartment tomorrow to check on my lizards and fish. Lazlow is sick right now and I've been worrying about it all week. I did my best to treat him before I left for break, but 10 days is a VERY long time to leave a fish that needs daily water changes and unfortunately this was the soonest I could go back to check on him. I'll feel really horrible if he dies, even though I am confident I've done all that I can. Poor Lazlow. I think about him every day. Bringing him home with me was too risky, but maybe I will try that now because he needs treatment and I need the peace of mind. If he has died, I will be absolutely heartbroken. At least in that case my dad will be there to console me.
