I’m Actually Sick This Time
Dec. 3rd, 2021 12:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleI always say I’m sick, or that I feel sick when I’m probably not. Feigning illness is a compulsion I experience because I am a hypochondriac, and since I’m aware of it I tend not to listen to my body when it becomes truly sick, but I know without a doubt that I am right now.
I don’t know what it is but I’m not jumping to conclusions. Unfortunately the feeling of being actually sick is so uncomfortable and anxiety inducing for me that I feel completely restless. Being physically ill leaves me helpless and out of control. I’d maybe be more comfortable if I had a person looking after me, or maybe my cat to keep me company, but I think it’s important for me to tough this out alone. I need to learn how to get through stuff like this without other people because they can’t be there for me all the time. Yeah, it sucks, but even if I feel like shit this can at least be an opportunity.
Hypochondria is another drip in the bucket when it comes to my severe and progressive OCD, which has been a repeating theme here because God does it affect me. It makes somewhat normal occurrences like this very painful and difficult. I am so overwhelmed by the thought of my plans being messed up by this that I feel distressed, on top of the physical discomfort. It is finals week and I have a lot of work to do but I can’t even get up to take aspirin. I’m completely stressed out.
Recently I feel all I talk about on here is pain. Frankly I’ve been struggling and I know I need professional help again. I can endure sickness for a couple days, but I can’t manage my conditions alone anymore. I need someone real to talk to and I need guidance. Because at moments like this I realize how easy it is for me to lose my grip and fail to manage all these responsibilities. I feel like I have no one to talk to about OCD because I struggle with my mental health so frequently that it gets redundant and frustrating for others. I just haven’t been very happy recently. As much as I sit with my feelings I can’t help but resent them. My drug use as of recently has been absurd because of this. I need to go back to therapy and I’m so scared to tell my parents.
I guess writing helps me take my mind off it a little. The reason I write about this negative stuff all the time is because it is like looking in a mirror. In my reflection now I see an anxious and lonely person. As long as I can recognize those vulnerabilities I can work on them. It’s my most useful tool even though it probably makes this blog sort of depressing.
I wish I could write more to keep myself distracted but I can’t write forever. I really don’t want to burden my friends with this but I want to talk about it so bad. It takes all my strength to remind myself that I’m not dying. OCD has such a grip on me. It’s suffocating. Whatever, I’ll get through it.
I don’t know what it is but I’m not jumping to conclusions. Unfortunately the feeling of being actually sick is so uncomfortable and anxiety inducing for me that I feel completely restless. Being physically ill leaves me helpless and out of control. I’d maybe be more comfortable if I had a person looking after me, or maybe my cat to keep me company, but I think it’s important for me to tough this out alone. I need to learn how to get through stuff like this without other people because they can’t be there for me all the time. Yeah, it sucks, but even if I feel like shit this can at least be an opportunity.
Hypochondria is another drip in the bucket when it comes to my severe and progressive OCD, which has been a repeating theme here because God does it affect me. It makes somewhat normal occurrences like this very painful and difficult. I am so overwhelmed by the thought of my plans being messed up by this that I feel distressed, on top of the physical discomfort. It is finals week and I have a lot of work to do but I can’t even get up to take aspirin. I’m completely stressed out.
Recently I feel all I talk about on here is pain. Frankly I’ve been struggling and I know I need professional help again. I can endure sickness for a couple days, but I can’t manage my conditions alone anymore. I need someone real to talk to and I need guidance. Because at moments like this I realize how easy it is for me to lose my grip and fail to manage all these responsibilities. I feel like I have no one to talk to about OCD because I struggle with my mental health so frequently that it gets redundant and frustrating for others. I just haven’t been very happy recently. As much as I sit with my feelings I can’t help but resent them. My drug use as of recently has been absurd because of this. I need to go back to therapy and I’m so scared to tell my parents.
I guess writing helps me take my mind off it a little. The reason I write about this negative stuff all the time is because it is like looking in a mirror. In my reflection now I see an anxious and lonely person. As long as I can recognize those vulnerabilities I can work on them. It’s my most useful tool even though it probably makes this blog sort of depressing.
I wish I could write more to keep myself distracted but I can’t write forever. I really don’t want to burden my friends with this but I want to talk about it so bad. It takes all my strength to remind myself that I’m not dying. OCD has such a grip on me. It’s suffocating. Whatever, I’ll get through it.
