Step Forward
Dec. 1st, 2021 11:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleI shaved my head today. This is the second time I've done this for reasons I can't explain. I will preface that it's not something I wanted to do, but it had to be done.
I am not very confident in how I look. I'm genuinely ashamed of that because I know that the universe is too big and life is too short for me to be worrying about it. But I also don't think it's wrong for me to want to feel good about myself, so it's sort of conflicting.
I still have a long way to go with being confident of myself physically. I have faith in myself emotionally and intellectually, I know I'm worth something. That outweighs anything, but I feel limited by how I feel about my body. Really the only one who can change that is me, and although I don't feel particularly good about my appearance after shaving my head, it feels so good to touch my own hair and not feel horrible about it. Maybe that's a start for me, to feel empowered by that. Many people know that I don't like having my hair touched by others. Not many know that I don't even like having it touched by me.
I really want to talk about this somewhere. I've been working myself up to talk about it. I don't think I've met anyone in a similar situation, honestly, it's so bizarre. Most people take something like hair on their head for granted. I think if anyone who can relate to me reads this, they know exactly what I'm dealing with despite the vagueness. They know that shame, and that lack of confidence. It's isolating. To be able to hurt your own body in this way and to endure the societal consequences is hands down the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my life, mostly because it has been 11 years and I have not made any progress. In spite of years of therapy, medications, scolding, everything, nothing has been able to fix it. My whole life I felt I could never be pretty. I was told growing up that I would never be pretty. I don't feel pretty, I can pretend it. But I also know that feeling pretty isn't everything. When I do something like this for myself (shaving my head) I feel strong, and it took me years to realize that that's more important in the end.
I'm proud of myself for today even though it was really difficult to convince myself to go through with it. I know this entry is probably confusing from an outside perspective, but this is also a step forward. Even if I can't shake this whole thing, I can at least put myself in a position where I don't have to feel so much shame.
Maybe.
We'll see.
I am not very confident in how I look. I'm genuinely ashamed of that because I know that the universe is too big and life is too short for me to be worrying about it. But I also don't think it's wrong for me to want to feel good about myself, so it's sort of conflicting.
I still have a long way to go with being confident of myself physically. I have faith in myself emotionally and intellectually, I know I'm worth something. That outweighs anything, but I feel limited by how I feel about my body. Really the only one who can change that is me, and although I don't feel particularly good about my appearance after shaving my head, it feels so good to touch my own hair and not feel horrible about it. Maybe that's a start for me, to feel empowered by that. Many people know that I don't like having my hair touched by others. Not many know that I don't even like having it touched by me.
I really want to talk about this somewhere. I've been working myself up to talk about it. I don't think I've met anyone in a similar situation, honestly, it's so bizarre. Most people take something like hair on their head for granted. I think if anyone who can relate to me reads this, they know exactly what I'm dealing with despite the vagueness. They know that shame, and that lack of confidence. It's isolating. To be able to hurt your own body in this way and to endure the societal consequences is hands down the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my life, mostly because it has been 11 years and I have not made any progress. In spite of years of therapy, medications, scolding, everything, nothing has been able to fix it. My whole life I felt I could never be pretty. I was told growing up that I would never be pretty. I don't feel pretty, I can pretend it. But I also know that feeling pretty isn't everything. When I do something like this for myself (shaving my head) I feel strong, and it took me years to realize that that's more important in the end.
I'm proud of myself for today even though it was really difficult to convince myself to go through with it. I know this entry is probably confusing from an outside perspective, but this is also a step forward. Even if I can't shake this whole thing, I can at least put myself in a position where I don't have to feel so much shame.
Maybe.
We'll see.
