My Usual Boring Rambling
Oct. 14th, 2021 08:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleAnd thus begins another cycle of self-identification. What has happened to me? When did I become so uncomfortable?
As anyone who reads this blog may know, all throughout this summer I lived happily in some sort of weird, crazy, probably drug-induced enlightenment. I didn't sweat the small stuff, I didn't get upset at all really, and I was mindful. Recently I've felt the complete opposite of that, but it has slipped from me gradually over the last couple weeks. I'm not unhappy I don't think, but I've returned to letting little things get to me. And I'm certainly less humble than I was. Maybe it's the seasonal depression? Yet, I was fine in January of this year (usually my worst month) so I doubt I can blame it on the season. It could be because I lack the support networks I had back at home, but I haven't found myself missing my job or family recently, so it's probably not that.
Or maybe I peaked over the summer and now all time until my death will be spent in intellectual decay. Which would really make no sense because peaking is a myth, and even if it weren't I refuse to let myself become worse off than I was at any given point. I'm always peaking. That's my thing, for fuck's sake. Whatever bullshit is getting me down right now, I will annihilate it. Done it before, I can do it again.
I'm prescribing myself some meditation, two times a day for a week. Nothing gets me back on my game like sitting silently for 15 minutes at a time. I could do with a hike or something as well, although I'm in nature regularly enough as it is. I have to work myself into the habit of seeing the beauty in everything again. I need to foster that love and let it flourish. Everyone is just doing their best. There's no point in being angry, really. Life doesn't cease to be beautiful and I won't let myself believe anything else.
Back in the springtime I really began to ask myself what matters most to me in life. What my long term goals are, what I want to prioritize. It's time to think about that again. What is important to me? My health and happiness, first and foremost. Then my friends and all the people I am able to bring joy to. This answer has been consistent for awhile. I'm thinking back to what I affirmed in an entry back in May:
"More than anything, I want to send forth a love that is profound, ceaseless, and agape. That is all that matters to me."
I was doing pretty good for awhile, admittedly. I think I just need to sit down and refresh myself. In the end, I'm the only one who can regulate my emotions. And I'm also the only one who can exercise control over my reactions to things around me. Sometimes I feel like that wisdom escapes me. After all, I'm like, 18, and I don't know shit about fuck. I feel 18 the way I want to get plastered every night and deliberately put myself in danger for the fun of it. But that doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot, and frankly, I should know better.
As anyone who reads this blog may know, all throughout this summer I lived happily in some sort of weird, crazy, probably drug-induced enlightenment. I didn't sweat the small stuff, I didn't get upset at all really, and I was mindful. Recently I've felt the complete opposite of that, but it has slipped from me gradually over the last couple weeks. I'm not unhappy I don't think, but I've returned to letting little things get to me. And I'm certainly less humble than I was. Maybe it's the seasonal depression? Yet, I was fine in January of this year (usually my worst month) so I doubt I can blame it on the season. It could be because I lack the support networks I had back at home, but I haven't found myself missing my job or family recently, so it's probably not that.
Or maybe I peaked over the summer and now all time until my death will be spent in intellectual decay. Which would really make no sense because peaking is a myth, and even if it weren't I refuse to let myself become worse off than I was at any given point. I'm always peaking. That's my thing, for fuck's sake. Whatever bullshit is getting me down right now, I will annihilate it. Done it before, I can do it again.
I'm prescribing myself some meditation, two times a day for a week. Nothing gets me back on my game like sitting silently for 15 minutes at a time. I could do with a hike or something as well, although I'm in nature regularly enough as it is. I have to work myself into the habit of seeing the beauty in everything again. I need to foster that love and let it flourish. Everyone is just doing their best. There's no point in being angry, really. Life doesn't cease to be beautiful and I won't let myself believe anything else.
Back in the springtime I really began to ask myself what matters most to me in life. What my long term goals are, what I want to prioritize. It's time to think about that again. What is important to me? My health and happiness, first and foremost. Then my friends and all the people I am able to bring joy to. This answer has been consistent for awhile. I'm thinking back to what I affirmed in an entry back in May:
"More than anything, I want to send forth a love that is profound, ceaseless, and agape. That is all that matters to me."
I was doing pretty good for awhile, admittedly. I think I just need to sit down and refresh myself. In the end, I'm the only one who can regulate my emotions. And I'm also the only one who can exercise control over my reactions to things around me. Sometimes I feel like that wisdom escapes me. After all, I'm like, 18, and I don't know shit about fuck. I feel 18 the way I want to get plastered every night and deliberately put myself in danger for the fun of it. But that doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot, and frankly, I should know better.
