Bad News First
Sep. 28th, 2021 03:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleIt’s been awhile since I’ve been at the house alone. Friday was the first day in September that actually felt like autumn. There was a weird silence when I got home- the house was empty but in a somewhat disturbing way. My parents have been “empty nesters” for a month now and the house is cleaner than ever. It looks the way it does in my head when I think of home, but it isn’t really “home” anymore.
This time of year, my mom likes to have the windows open. I don’t like being cold, but I like hearing everything outside. Mostly just trees shaking, cars going by, pedestrians talking, whatever happens in a redundant New Jersey suburb. In years past I used to sit on the couch in the family room underneath a bunch of blankets and just listen. Now I’m big enough to not freeze to death, but I still do the same thing. It’s not familiar anymore. I feel like I’m not supposed to be there.
I’ve been trying to separate myself from home, and from abuse. Living away has helped me recognize harmful dynamics that were happening at home, almost exclusively with my mother. I don’t like being controlled and I don’t like being hurt. Now that I can identify what was happening at home, I don’t want to be there. And if I could return to a time before anything ever occurred and I was happy, I wouldn’t. The home I love stopped existing when I was 13, and so now I don’t want to be home.
So that’s the bad news. The good news is much better.
The other day, I got to see Korn with my close friend Vincent. Vincent and I used to be best friends, but we drifted a couple years ago and went our own ways. We’re on perfectly fine terms though, and we have been talking more recently. I got free tickets to this concert and I don’t even listen to Korn, but Vin is really into them so I thought it would be fun to go together. We made a whole thing about it and tailgated before the concert. To me there’s nothing remarkable about getting high and rocking out anymore. I just do that all the time now. Hotbox the car into oblivion, head bang until I herniate myself, you get the idea. We had a great time.
The best part about that concert for me, though, was getting to experience Vincent’s excitement for it. Vin doesn’t really have a great home life and can’t get out much, so this was a big deal for him. I knew I had to bring him when I got my hands on the tickets, and I’m really glad I did because at one point I looked over and he had such a huge smile on his face. I dragged him up into the lawn seats and we were just going wild. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that excited, honestly. I mean, I’ve known this kid for four years and I’ve seen when things were really bad. It feels amazing to see him happy and know that our relationship now isn’t built on solace and shared pain anymore. We were there for each other during the worst parts of both of our lives, but now I see a future where we aren’t hurting and can have fun together like we were never able to. It’s just such a relief to me.
I respect Vincent quite a bit, and I realized that the other night. He always pushes through. There were times in my life where I was doubtful but I think he will live a happy and abuse-free life. Karma better come back around for that kid, I swear.
This time of year, my mom likes to have the windows open. I don’t like being cold, but I like hearing everything outside. Mostly just trees shaking, cars going by, pedestrians talking, whatever happens in a redundant New Jersey suburb. In years past I used to sit on the couch in the family room underneath a bunch of blankets and just listen. Now I’m big enough to not freeze to death, but I still do the same thing. It’s not familiar anymore. I feel like I’m not supposed to be there.
I’ve been trying to separate myself from home, and from abuse. Living away has helped me recognize harmful dynamics that were happening at home, almost exclusively with my mother. I don’t like being controlled and I don’t like being hurt. Now that I can identify what was happening at home, I don’t want to be there. And if I could return to a time before anything ever occurred and I was happy, I wouldn’t. The home I love stopped existing when I was 13, and so now I don’t want to be home.
So that’s the bad news. The good news is much better.
The other day, I got to see Korn with my close friend Vincent. Vincent and I used to be best friends, but we drifted a couple years ago and went our own ways. We’re on perfectly fine terms though, and we have been talking more recently. I got free tickets to this concert and I don’t even listen to Korn, but Vin is really into them so I thought it would be fun to go together. We made a whole thing about it and tailgated before the concert. To me there’s nothing remarkable about getting high and rocking out anymore. I just do that all the time now. Hotbox the car into oblivion, head bang until I herniate myself, you get the idea. We had a great time.
The best part about that concert for me, though, was getting to experience Vincent’s excitement for it. Vin doesn’t really have a great home life and can’t get out much, so this was a big deal for him. I knew I had to bring him when I got my hands on the tickets, and I’m really glad I did because at one point I looked over and he had such a huge smile on his face. I dragged him up into the lawn seats and we were just going wild. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that excited, honestly. I mean, I’ve known this kid for four years and I’ve seen when things were really bad. It feels amazing to see him happy and know that our relationship now isn’t built on solace and shared pain anymore. We were there for each other during the worst parts of both of our lives, but now I see a future where we aren’t hurting and can have fun together like we were never able to. It’s just such a relief to me.
I respect Vincent quite a bit, and I realized that the other night. He always pushes through. There were times in my life where I was doubtful but I think he will live a happy and abuse-free life. Karma better come back around for that kid, I swear.
