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Seasonal Depression
Sep. 20th, 2021 10:49 amThings are not as lovely as they were for the first two weeks of college. I still have a lot to learn about regulating my emotions and managing my mental health in general. As it gets colder I can feel the joy being sucked out of me like it always does and the loathing is driving me up the wall. I haven't been myself at all. It feels awful.
To start, I haven't had a proper meal in four days and just a couple days ago I realized I went two days straight without eating. When I look in the mirror I can see my ribs and when I noticed that yesterday I started crying. I don't have a scale here to weigh myself so I can't keep track of my weight and that has almost definitely contributed to my poor eating habits, but if I were to get a scale I would probably enter that obsessive neurotic state I had at home. I am trying to do better but I'm just not hungry, or I'm too anxious to eat.
Additionally, to no one's surprise, I am so lonely that it is actually debilitating. But this is a perpetual problem in my life. No matter what I do, no matter where I go and who I talk to I always feel lonely in the end. 8,000 people attend my school, you'd think at least one would be able to keep up with me. That's always the hardest part. I just need one person who can meet my ridiculously high standards for a mutual friendship, although I don't know how ridiculous they are anymore. I just want someone who isn't afraid to say they've got my back. I can't think of anyone who has been able to prove that to me. Also, is it too much to ask for someone to initiate something for once? I'm so used to not having that happen that when it does it makes me unreasonably happy. It hardly ever happens. Of course I still love my current friends, without a doubt, but sometimes I feel like I'm settling, and texting doesn't always cut it for me. I don't know. I feel guilty for being lonely, even if it is how I truly feel.
The days are getting shorter and the air is getting colder. Every other day something reminds me that this wonderful summer is ending. If I'm to anticipate seasonal depression, I need to be prepared for it. I need a good support system, socially and personally. I think I've been doing alright lately aside from the poor eating habits, so that will get my immediate attention. Aside from that I've still been staying active and getting out of the house, I'm still kicking. I don't really know what to do about the loneliness though. This isn't a new problem, and I've been running in circles for ages now. I guess I need to find new solutions.
To start, I haven't had a proper meal in four days and just a couple days ago I realized I went two days straight without eating. When I look in the mirror I can see my ribs and when I noticed that yesterday I started crying. I don't have a scale here to weigh myself so I can't keep track of my weight and that has almost definitely contributed to my poor eating habits, but if I were to get a scale I would probably enter that obsessive neurotic state I had at home. I am trying to do better but I'm just not hungry, or I'm too anxious to eat.
Additionally, to no one's surprise, I am so lonely that it is actually debilitating. But this is a perpetual problem in my life. No matter what I do, no matter where I go and who I talk to I always feel lonely in the end. 8,000 people attend my school, you'd think at least one would be able to keep up with me. That's always the hardest part. I just need one person who can meet my ridiculously high standards for a mutual friendship, although I don't know how ridiculous they are anymore. I just want someone who isn't afraid to say they've got my back. I can't think of anyone who has been able to prove that to me. Also, is it too much to ask for someone to initiate something for once? I'm so used to not having that happen that when it does it makes me unreasonably happy. It hardly ever happens. Of course I still love my current friends, without a doubt, but sometimes I feel like I'm settling, and texting doesn't always cut it for me. I don't know. I feel guilty for being lonely, even if it is how I truly feel.
The days are getting shorter and the air is getting colder. Every other day something reminds me that this wonderful summer is ending. If I'm to anticipate seasonal depression, I need to be prepared for it. I need a good support system, socially and personally. I think I've been doing alright lately aside from the poor eating habits, so that will get my immediate attention. Aside from that I've still been staying active and getting out of the house, I'm still kicking. I don't really know what to do about the loneliness though. This isn't a new problem, and I've been running in circles for ages now. I guess I need to find new solutions.
