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Feeling IV: Live Laugh Love
Jul. 6th, 2021 06:42 pmIt's been a week since I've written. Sometimes I go through phases where I can't really write much. I wouldn't call it a slump, it's just my attention being allocated to other places. I'm trying to understand my writing habits since I'm still kind of new to this. Recently I've been doing a lot of mindless feeling and not a lot of thinking. I'm happy, though. Happier than I've been in a long time, that's for sure. One of the sacrifices I make for this journal is analyzing the shit out of everything I do as I'm doing it, and sometimes it feels good to shut that down and just exist for a little while. It's like a vacation.
The passing of days has been a sort of motif in the last week, for reasons I can't fully comprehend. I love the feeling of the sun, the humid mornings and temperate afternoons, the cool, breezy nights. I feel in tune with the movement of everything. I wish I could explain it better at the moment, or at least in more detail. I've been everywhere and back this week and seen things I wish I could keep here forever, but I can't write them properly. And maybe that's okay. Whether I write or not, the sun rises and falls in its melodramatic fashion every day and reminds me that I am real, and that's all I can really ask for.
Of course, despite my contentment, not everything has been just peachy. There are a few bumps in the road, things bringing me down and knocking my jive. Gender dysphoria, a rather unpleasant road trip with my mom, my closest friend feeling a bit distant, stuff like that. I've been working through it all as best I can. The same way I wish I were more confident about my reactions to these situations, I could use a bit more conviction. But such is the ebb and flow of being human- never being completely set in our ways. I've said it before and I'll say it again: things will always work out in the end.
And besides, it all seems so trivial to me right now while I'm in this unfamiliar groove. My current fascination is feeling alive. Lately I've found joy in taking long rides with my windows down, eating ice cream right from the container, staring at trees for long periods of time, simple junk like that. It's weird that I can't seem to rationalize why I've been feeling this way, though. Maybe it's hormones or something. Or maybe I'm just turning into one of those chill white hippie moms on Facebook, the kind who sells essential oils and shit. I don't know and I don't really care. I'm just happy.
Once I can write obsessively again, I think it will be the perfect storm. Who knows what narratives will one day be carefully tapped out by these hands. I see great things in my future. Meanwhile, this simple entry took me over an hour to write and phrase properly, and even then it feels lackluster and vague. But if I know me, it will hit me like a brick again one day and I'll be laboring over my keyboard for hours once more. We'll just have to wait and see.
The passing of days has been a sort of motif in the last week, for reasons I can't fully comprehend. I love the feeling of the sun, the humid mornings and temperate afternoons, the cool, breezy nights. I feel in tune with the movement of everything. I wish I could explain it better at the moment, or at least in more detail. I've been everywhere and back this week and seen things I wish I could keep here forever, but I can't write them properly. And maybe that's okay. Whether I write or not, the sun rises and falls in its melodramatic fashion every day and reminds me that I am real, and that's all I can really ask for.
Of course, despite my contentment, not everything has been just peachy. There are a few bumps in the road, things bringing me down and knocking my jive. Gender dysphoria, a rather unpleasant road trip with my mom, my closest friend feeling a bit distant, stuff like that. I've been working through it all as best I can. The same way I wish I were more confident about my reactions to these situations, I could use a bit more conviction. But such is the ebb and flow of being human- never being completely set in our ways. I've said it before and I'll say it again: things will always work out in the end.
And besides, it all seems so trivial to me right now while I'm in this unfamiliar groove. My current fascination is feeling alive. Lately I've found joy in taking long rides with my windows down, eating ice cream right from the container, staring at trees for long periods of time, simple junk like that. It's weird that I can't seem to rationalize why I've been feeling this way, though. Maybe it's hormones or something. Or maybe I'm just turning into one of those chill white hippie moms on Facebook, the kind who sells essential oils and shit. I don't know and I don't really care. I'm just happy.
Once I can write obsessively again, I think it will be the perfect storm. Who knows what narratives will one day be carefully tapped out by these hands. I see great things in my future. Meanwhile, this simple entry took me over an hour to write and phrase properly, and even then it feels lackluster and vague. But if I know me, it will hit me like a brick again one day and I'll be laboring over my keyboard for hours once more. We'll just have to wait and see.
