Telling Things As They Are (As Best I Can)

Jatin and I went to high school together. He was an icon of sorts- known for being a well-versed and argumentative communist (at least in my circles). He was also rich, and had a friend group of people who were above me socially, but quite irrelevant to my circles and therefore not very important to me. My earliest impressions of him were poor due to his dismissive personality and also my unintelligent agenda at the time. I remember having one conversation with him before junior year, and even then the details are slim. He was gone for some of freshman year because he was in a psych ward or something (corrected after I asked him), but for some reason I don't remember anyone really caring when he casually reappeared next year. At that point, we had more classes together and I began to pick up on his mannerisms and such. Although I had a vague notion of this already, I classified Jatin as a dangerous person. There was no way in Hell that his general lack of expression and strange behavior meant nothing. I suspected he was mentally ill in various ways and thus adopted a new unintelligent agenda of trying to become his friend. And no, it did not produce a heartwarming story about camaraderie, trust, and coming-of-age because Jatin is a sociopath. Ironically, it has been almost a year and a half since we went to school together and Jatin is currently my closest friend, despite moving away.

The great juxtaposition of our friendship is twofold; the disparities of our social backgrounds and personalities relative to high school make us an unexpected duo, but I find that most of our differences are purely innate and far beyond our egotized school identities. We communicate almost exclusively one on one over the internet, too, so the circumstances are extremely specific. Our relationship is exhausting, unfamiliar, and exactly the type of social stimulation I desire. Becoming close to Jatin requires that one shed all forms of judgement they may carry and attempt to understand him on a strictly pragmatic level. He is not kindhearted or remorseful for his behavior in the slightest, hardly ever displays empathy, and seeks to manipulate for his personal gain. He finds joy in hurting others and seeks attention where he knows he can get it. He harasses others, has episodes, and produces nuclear amounts of hatred. This being said, despite being one of the worst human beings I have ever met in my life, I am keen on seeing how far I can push the envelope in being his friend. In this sense, I am glad we interact exclusively one on one. I am an overtly emotional person and I navigate my relationships cautiously with the intention of breaking them in, past the point of fruitless surface-level conversation. This being said, most of what I have just stated is all to Jatin's knowledge and I have made my intentions specifically clear.

It took me a long time to make headway with Jatin. First came the issue of my own emotional tendencies, being used to establishing close relationships rather quickly with people. I had unrealistic expectations for Jatin and very little understanding of his lack of empathy. He picked on me relentlessly because that's what he does. There were multiple occasions where I anticipated some sort of sincerity from him and ended up hurting myself as a result. There were also instances where I felt he was forcing himself to deliver an answer I wanted to hear, but could see directly through it. We argued a decent amount, and admittedly, my perseverance during this stage was purely out of weakness and inability to leave unhealthy situations. The specifics of these events don't come clearly anymore because they are not recent, but I remember enduring a great deal of pain. The kind someone is supposed to run away from. Sometime in January after seriously contemplating whether or not I should keep talking to him, I realized that I would have to be the one to change if things were to improve. Most normal people would probably leave at this point. Instead, I started reading more about sociopathy. I asked questions on forums, read a plethora of articles, questioned my sanity, and prepared to see it through to the end. Eventually, I told Jatin that I could be a better friend to him, and from there things improved. We began having healthier conversations and I feel generally safe pointing out behaviors that upset me to him, and I'm relatively certain he feels safe being honest about it with me. That communication is extremely necessary and something I prioritize in our friendship. I figure it's probably a good thing for him to have people to talk openly to, and giving him the freedom to do so has brought out shades of him I did not expect to see (i.e. apologies, general consideration of my emotions, not making me feel stupid anymore, etc.). I understand him pretty well now, and he is not as unpredictable or harsh as he lets off. I've broken him, I think. His behavior is merely a science, and an easy one to understand at that. I keep his urges to lie, exploit, and harm in mind when I analyze anything he says to me. I am basically bulletproof. And it's true that there is change happening on his end as well. Very recently he said (quite timidly) that he thinks he has an emotional relationship with me, which caught me completely off guard. It makes me happy, sure, but again, this isn't a heartwarming tale. I am still unsure about just how deep his lack of emotional intelligence runs, but there is one thing I am certain about- he at least tries for me... sometimes.

With Jatin comes a flood of apprehensions and paranoia. I still wonder if I am subject to his manipulation because I know I am very prone to that. He has even reminded me verbally that I will be taken advantage of many times in my life. I already know that. I don't like to live with that fear, but even if I'm wrong, I'm still an idiot. I think it's natural for me to feel this way. Jatin requires an extraordinary amount of patience and acclimation. He may not realize how high maintenance he is, but I am the same way. He's a relatively normal guy when we aren't psychoanalyzing him into oblivion. And besides, I've hardly talked about all the things I appreciate about him. I love watching shows and movies with him, or playing video games, even just talking, whatever. He's got a good sense of humor and good taste in just about everything. He doesn't give a shit about my gender identity or interests, and resents my mom probably more than I do. He's probably one of the least judgmental people in my life, and to that extent I think there's more to learn from him besides how to torture yourself emotionally. I love him like I love any of my other close friends.

I could seriously write so much more about this guy. I didn't talk about the gun or the cocaine or the raves or anything. This is somehow still a very vague description of him. But that's close friendship I guess. Once again I've exerted my mind for the sake of documentation, and it was well worth it. I can't wait to read this in two years and take in that I am out of my goddamn mind.