Pushing The Envelope
Aug. 23rd, 2021 04:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleToday I did something stupid and took my ADHD medication for the first time since my prescription ran out back in 2019. In all honesty, I picked up a bottle of pills a couple months after my withdrawal ended and just never took them because I didn't have to anymore. My parents weren't aware of the scale of my abusive habits back then (and still aren't) so the prescriptions kept rolling in. All of which I happily declined, except one. It has been sitting in my desk along with my Lexapro for ages.
50mg Vyvanse, taken at 10:37 this morning.
I ate around 10:00 so I had something in my stomach to hold me over. After taking the pill, I settled in and watched The Shawshank Redemption so I could focus on something other than the medication. Once it was in full swing, I went about my day as usual, and now I am awaiting the comedown at 7:00 or 8:00. That will be the hardest part, but right now I'm taking a literal trip down memory lane.
The most noticeable side effect of lisdexamfetamine, for me, is the sharpness. Which I assume is the intended effect considering it's ADHD medication. However, that clarity is merely an illusion as I've learned, since I make plenty of stupid decisions while "under the influence" so to speak. The actual attentiveness is negligible when you consider the emotional toll that this medication takes. For instance, I have been crying on and off all day for imaginary reasons, both good and bad. My feelings about life, change, and other people have been artificially changed. It's like some "big picture" has been placed in front of me and it is driving me to tears to look at it. Grounding can be difficult in this state because the physical reactions to feelings like frustration and anxiety can't be mitigated with self-awareness alone. I can recognize why I am experiencing a certain emotion, but there is virtually nothing I can do about it. So all the drug-induced elation and discomfort must remain until it wears off. Even at the moment, it is making it extremely difficult to write. There is too much uncertainty in my mind to confidently speak about it, but I doubt I'd be able to do any better even after it wears off.
Socially, Vyvanse is a nightmare. The psychological effects of amphetamines cause me to talk about things I wouldn't normally discuss with certain people. For instance, I was suddenly very keen on talking with my mom this morning for no good reason at all, and that really sucks in retrospect. This was an anticipated effect, and also the one I hate the most. I don't like spilling my guts to people without cause or intention, but all four medications I've been on have done that to me. Being emotional and open with my parents is something I avoid completely otherwise, so the conversations I had today are a bit regrettable even if they aren't harmful. I'm cautious about my interactions with my friends at the moment for similar reasons.
As for physical effects, it's mostly just sweating and dry mouth right now. When I'm up and walking around, I'm either sluggish or absolutely wired, or both at the same time. I feel the need to pull my body inward and be held as tightly as possible. Don't really know what that one's about. I know when the comedown hits, I'll be shaking uncontrollably and these physical reactions will become stronger. Fortunately, a little bit of weed should help me through that, but I'm thinking I'll try to tough it out and get a grip on it.
The best way to describe how ADHD medication affects me is that it's like feeling everything at once, but not in a cool or magical way. It's not good. But in that sense, it's exactly how I remember it. It's weird, being teleported back to the exact mental state that I lived in throughout high school. It goes beyond being familiar. I might as well have picked up from where I last left off on the day I took my last pill in 2019. I feel like that person again, just in terms of how I'm thinking and feeling. I'm largely indifferent to this though since I know how these drugs work. I don't feel threatened by it at all. Getting through withdrawal, as I've always described it, was like waking from a long dream. It takes a lot to even be dependent on ADHD medication and taking one pill won't launch me back into drug dependency. It's just interesting to experience it again after so long, even if Vyvanse is a horrible, traumatizing, unethical drug.
In conclusion, I can't believe they give this shit to children. Can't wait for the comedown!
50mg Vyvanse, taken at 10:37 this morning.
I ate around 10:00 so I had something in my stomach to hold me over. After taking the pill, I settled in and watched The Shawshank Redemption so I could focus on something other than the medication. Once it was in full swing, I went about my day as usual, and now I am awaiting the comedown at 7:00 or 8:00. That will be the hardest part, but right now I'm taking a literal trip down memory lane.
The most noticeable side effect of lisdexamfetamine, for me, is the sharpness. Which I assume is the intended effect considering it's ADHD medication. However, that clarity is merely an illusion as I've learned, since I make plenty of stupid decisions while "under the influence" so to speak. The actual attentiveness is negligible when you consider the emotional toll that this medication takes. For instance, I have been crying on and off all day for imaginary reasons, both good and bad. My feelings about life, change, and other people have been artificially changed. It's like some "big picture" has been placed in front of me and it is driving me to tears to look at it. Grounding can be difficult in this state because the physical reactions to feelings like frustration and anxiety can't be mitigated with self-awareness alone. I can recognize why I am experiencing a certain emotion, but there is virtually nothing I can do about it. So all the drug-induced elation and discomfort must remain until it wears off. Even at the moment, it is making it extremely difficult to write. There is too much uncertainty in my mind to confidently speak about it, but I doubt I'd be able to do any better even after it wears off.
Socially, Vyvanse is a nightmare. The psychological effects of amphetamines cause me to talk about things I wouldn't normally discuss with certain people. For instance, I was suddenly very keen on talking with my mom this morning for no good reason at all, and that really sucks in retrospect. This was an anticipated effect, and also the one I hate the most. I don't like spilling my guts to people without cause or intention, but all four medications I've been on have done that to me. Being emotional and open with my parents is something I avoid completely otherwise, so the conversations I had today are a bit regrettable even if they aren't harmful. I'm cautious about my interactions with my friends at the moment for similar reasons.
As for physical effects, it's mostly just sweating and dry mouth right now. When I'm up and walking around, I'm either sluggish or absolutely wired, or both at the same time. I feel the need to pull my body inward and be held as tightly as possible. Don't really know what that one's about. I know when the comedown hits, I'll be shaking uncontrollably and these physical reactions will become stronger. Fortunately, a little bit of weed should help me through that, but I'm thinking I'll try to tough it out and get a grip on it.
The best way to describe how ADHD medication affects me is that it's like feeling everything at once, but not in a cool or magical way. It's not good. But in that sense, it's exactly how I remember it. It's weird, being teleported back to the exact mental state that I lived in throughout high school. It goes beyond being familiar. I might as well have picked up from where I last left off on the day I took my last pill in 2019. I feel like that person again, just in terms of how I'm thinking and feeling. I'm largely indifferent to this though since I know how these drugs work. I don't feel threatened by it at all. Getting through withdrawal, as I've always described it, was like waking from a long dream. It takes a lot to even be dependent on ADHD medication and taking one pill won't launch me back into drug dependency. It's just interesting to experience it again after so long, even if Vyvanse is a horrible, traumatizing, unethical drug.
In conclusion, I can't believe they give this shit to children. Can't wait for the comedown!
