Fine In Her Details
Aug. 18th, 2021 07:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleRecently I went to a local park to meet a friend. I arrived first. I don't like waiting, but I'm not impatient either, so I stood up and started walking around.
Sometimes I feel frustrated if I feel I can't have a good time when I'm alone. I always feel a need to prove to myself that I am a fun person. By doing so I have followed a typical idea of what "fun" would mean in the eyes of other people my age... Drugs? Trespassing? I don't really know, and so I aim in the dark at anything that is risky, daring, or edgy, always ending up frustrated and back at square one. It's an annoyance in my life that I don't seem to know what to do with myself when I'm completely alone besides be happy about it. That feeling can be lost quickly and as of lately, is scarce to come by.
But when I walked alone in the park the other day, I realized I was having fun. Not exciting, dangerous fun like the type I've been thriving off so much recently. It was that innocent fun that I forgot about- the kind I had when I was a child, where nature feels beautiful and real and alluring. Mother Nature is as fine in her details as she was back then, sketching such complex environments. Buildings and rooms will never capture the complexities of her pieces. Earth has unending intrigue, and I feel in love with it.
I have strayed from the enjoyment I get in nature by trying to prove myself. It's not that I haven't been appreciating nature, but why do I spend so much time trying to be cool and not staring into bodies of freshwater? There's arguably more stuff to keep me entertained in a literal flooded ditch than in the entirety of Caesar's Palace. I knew this, so how did I forget it? Maybe it's just one of those things you realize you miss when it's gone.
I want to spend more time outside. Maybe there's still a bit of transcendentalist in me or something. Regardless, the continual hedonism is not working. I could use for a hike or something.
Sometimes I feel frustrated if I feel I can't have a good time when I'm alone. I always feel a need to prove to myself that I am a fun person. By doing so I have followed a typical idea of what "fun" would mean in the eyes of other people my age... Drugs? Trespassing? I don't really know, and so I aim in the dark at anything that is risky, daring, or edgy, always ending up frustrated and back at square one. It's an annoyance in my life that I don't seem to know what to do with myself when I'm completely alone besides be happy about it. That feeling can be lost quickly and as of lately, is scarce to come by.
But when I walked alone in the park the other day, I realized I was having fun. Not exciting, dangerous fun like the type I've been thriving off so much recently. It was that innocent fun that I forgot about- the kind I had when I was a child, where nature feels beautiful and real and alluring. Mother Nature is as fine in her details as she was back then, sketching such complex environments. Buildings and rooms will never capture the complexities of her pieces. Earth has unending intrigue, and I feel in love with it.
I have strayed from the enjoyment I get in nature by trying to prove myself. It's not that I haven't been appreciating nature, but why do I spend so much time trying to be cool and not staring into bodies of freshwater? There's arguably more stuff to keep me entertained in a literal flooded ditch than in the entirety of Caesar's Palace. I knew this, so how did I forget it? Maybe it's just one of those things you realize you miss when it's gone.
I want to spend more time outside. Maybe there's still a bit of transcendentalist in me or something. Regardless, the continual hedonism is not working. I could use for a hike or something.
