Like Jean from American Psycho
Aug. 11th, 2021 04:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleI was invited to a party this week at the house of a mutual friend, Anya. Ishwar, Corinne, and Sami all talked fondly of this person and the memories they've made at her house. I was especially excited for this because I've never been to an actual house party and didn't think I'd get one under my belt before college. That, and because this party asked that everyone dress in formal attire. I was beyond enthusiastic about this, since this gave me an opportunity to do something I've seldom done before and dress in formal female clothing.
I've been waiting for a chance to do this for awhile now, ever since I began embracing female fashion again. When I was younger, the word "pretty" (used to describe me) might as well have been a slur. Childhood dysphoria meant I spent a decade resenting all forms of femininity, and thus I never received so-called "feminine" attention or compliments. Nowadays, femininity is estranged from my biological sex and I ache to feel and be seen as beautiful when I dress the part. I see my female friends in their prom and graduation dresses and aspire to feel that elegant, that gorgeous, that delicate. I remember when I watched American Psycho with Jatin, I fell in love with the scene where Patrick takes Jean to his apartment. I thought she was so pretty and innocent in that scene, and I wanted to be exactly like that. I wanted to be like Jean from American Psycho. This was my shot, and honestly, I think I did a pretty damn good job.
I picked out a satin dress at Macy's. When I saw it, it felt perfect for me. It was peach with white and pink roses and sleeves that draped over the sides of my shoulders. When I got home and tried it on, it fit me so well that I just stood in front of the mirror and teared up at how good I felt in it. That instance marked the dissolution of years worth of harbored doubts. It was quite emotional. I also ran out and bought sparkly gold Guess heels. I've never worn any shoe of that sort, and had to spend a good amount of time practicing walking in them. It's almost foolish how hard it is to walk in heels, but I eventually got it down.
On the night of the party, I put on heavier makeup than usual and did my hair the best I could considering it's pretty short. I was so thorough with my skincare that I was basically shining like a model. It felt fucking amazing. When Corinne picked me up, she said she swallowed her gum choking because of how good I looked, and in that moment I knew I succeeded. From that point on that smile never left my face.
In terms of the party itself, well, it's funny. I thought this was going to be a pretty sober event. My first notion of otherwise was when Corinne turned to me while driving and said "I am going to get SO trashed tonight". And that's when things got really interesting. Corinne's energy is unmatched. She is so carefree that it's hard to be nervous in her presence, so if everyone was going to be drunk tonight, that was okay. We picked up Lindsey (Corinne's best friend) and headed to the party, blasting club music out of her old Jeep and dancing as much as we possibly could in a car. The anticipation was so strong by the time of our arrival that we were giggling just walking across the wet grass to Anya's front door. When we entered, people were already gathered around the living room table playing poker. Some people I knew, most I didn't. The people who did looked a little shocked by my appearance, which was both funny and reassuring. I knew I was in to receive a different type of attention than usual. For about an hour we sat around the table and a very kind boy who I didn't know talked close to me about how to play poker. Then, Sami was handed a bag of bud and immediately locked eyes with me, bearing a devious smile. She took me by the arm and a small group of us made our way to the basement, where another group of unfamiliar people were chilling on the couch. I was led into a small room with a sign on the door that simply said "Knock Before Entering" and had a bong drawn below it. To my surprise, this room was nothing more than a couch with a coffee table, but it was absolutely plastered in soccer posters, pictures, and various paraphernalia. It was a bit hilarious. I watched as Sami and Anya rolled two joints with great skill, and we all passed them around, hotboxing the room into oblivion. I don't remember much about this part besides Messi staring at me the whole time. Mostly just speaking and laughing. I know I was hitting it off though, and that was enough for me. When we left the room, the thick layer of smoke seeped out of the cracked door into the startling clarity of an energetic party in full swing.
For the rest of the night I floated around, high as fuck, slowly getting faded on champagne and wine, and absorbing everything around me. Sean played a song for me while we were all around the table ("Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles) and honestly, I don't remember anything super specific after that. At one point I went outside and Corinne and Lindsey opened a bottle of champagne, taking swigs directly from the bottle. Corinne accidentally spit some on my dress which was pretty hilarious and I didn't really care. I really did feel like a party girl, which at that point was exactly what I was going for. However, it doesn't always pay off to be a girl surrounded by drunk guys. Later in the night, for reasons I mostly forget, a boy tried to explain why communism sucks to me which was so pathetic that I drunk texted Jatin about it. Approaching midnight, I had my shit rocked by aforementioned champagne, played some beer pong, texted Corey (apparently) and I forget everything else leading up to my departure. I remember trotting across wet grass to get my items, and hugging Corinne goodbye. Not just a normal goodbye, though. This would be the last time I partied with her, as she's off to college in Arizona as we speak. I wish I was sober enough to remember what she said to me. Corinne has really made my summer special. She'll never know how much she's given me. It was bittersweet, her seeing me off and all. But it's okay, because then a very, very cute boy drove me home that night.
Oh god, what do I say about Ryan Vetter? Maybe I was a little too crossfaded because in that 30 minutes I swear he was the cutest boy I'd ever met in my entire life (given, I like a lot of boys). He's one of Corinne's closest friends, and we actually went to middle school together. He wasn't at the party but came to drive people home and graciously gave me a ride. Corinne told me he liked Tame Impala so I put that on and he asked me about the night's events. I told him parties weren't my usual scene, and I forget what he said in response to that but it made me smile. We reminisced about middle school a little bit, talked about our friends, things like that. He had a really cute stutter, too. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I was definitely wasted. I know better than to get my hopes up with a person that nice.
Anyways, that was the party. I faked sobriety to my mom when I walked in the door at 1:30 AM, threw off my pretty dress, posted some pictures on Instagram, and collapsed in my bed. It was an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, that night. Probably not something I want to do often though, which I guess is a good trait considering I'm leaving for college soon. Regardless, the night of the 9th was really something else.
I've been waiting for a chance to do this for awhile now, ever since I began embracing female fashion again. When I was younger, the word "pretty" (used to describe me) might as well have been a slur. Childhood dysphoria meant I spent a decade resenting all forms of femininity, and thus I never received so-called "feminine" attention or compliments. Nowadays, femininity is estranged from my biological sex and I ache to feel and be seen as beautiful when I dress the part. I see my female friends in their prom and graduation dresses and aspire to feel that elegant, that gorgeous, that delicate. I remember when I watched American Psycho with Jatin, I fell in love with the scene where Patrick takes Jean to his apartment. I thought she was so pretty and innocent in that scene, and I wanted to be exactly like that. I wanted to be like Jean from American Psycho. This was my shot, and honestly, I think I did a pretty damn good job.
I picked out a satin dress at Macy's. When I saw it, it felt perfect for me. It was peach with white and pink roses and sleeves that draped over the sides of my shoulders. When I got home and tried it on, it fit me so well that I just stood in front of the mirror and teared up at how good I felt in it. That instance marked the dissolution of years worth of harbored doubts. It was quite emotional. I also ran out and bought sparkly gold Guess heels. I've never worn any shoe of that sort, and had to spend a good amount of time practicing walking in them. It's almost foolish how hard it is to walk in heels, but I eventually got it down.
On the night of the party, I put on heavier makeup than usual and did my hair the best I could considering it's pretty short. I was so thorough with my skincare that I was basically shining like a model. It felt fucking amazing. When Corinne picked me up, she said she swallowed her gum choking because of how good I looked, and in that moment I knew I succeeded. From that point on that smile never left my face.
In terms of the party itself, well, it's funny. I thought this was going to be a pretty sober event. My first notion of otherwise was when Corinne turned to me while driving and said "I am going to get SO trashed tonight". And that's when things got really interesting. Corinne's energy is unmatched. She is so carefree that it's hard to be nervous in her presence, so if everyone was going to be drunk tonight, that was okay. We picked up Lindsey (Corinne's best friend) and headed to the party, blasting club music out of her old Jeep and dancing as much as we possibly could in a car. The anticipation was so strong by the time of our arrival that we were giggling just walking across the wet grass to Anya's front door. When we entered, people were already gathered around the living room table playing poker. Some people I knew, most I didn't. The people who did looked a little shocked by my appearance, which was both funny and reassuring. I knew I was in to receive a different type of attention than usual. For about an hour we sat around the table and a very kind boy who I didn't know talked close to me about how to play poker. Then, Sami was handed a bag of bud and immediately locked eyes with me, bearing a devious smile. She took me by the arm and a small group of us made our way to the basement, where another group of unfamiliar people were chilling on the couch. I was led into a small room with a sign on the door that simply said "Knock Before Entering" and had a bong drawn below it. To my surprise, this room was nothing more than a couch with a coffee table, but it was absolutely plastered in soccer posters, pictures, and various paraphernalia. It was a bit hilarious. I watched as Sami and Anya rolled two joints with great skill, and we all passed them around, hotboxing the room into oblivion. I don't remember much about this part besides Messi staring at me the whole time. Mostly just speaking and laughing. I know I was hitting it off though, and that was enough for me. When we left the room, the thick layer of smoke seeped out of the cracked door into the startling clarity of an energetic party in full swing.
For the rest of the night I floated around, high as fuck, slowly getting faded on champagne and wine, and absorbing everything around me. Sean played a song for me while we were all around the table ("Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles) and honestly, I don't remember anything super specific after that. At one point I went outside and Corinne and Lindsey opened a bottle of champagne, taking swigs directly from the bottle. Corinne accidentally spit some on my dress which was pretty hilarious and I didn't really care. I really did feel like a party girl, which at that point was exactly what I was going for. However, it doesn't always pay off to be a girl surrounded by drunk guys. Later in the night, for reasons I mostly forget, a boy tried to explain why communism sucks to me which was so pathetic that I drunk texted Jatin about it. Approaching midnight, I had my shit rocked by aforementioned champagne, played some beer pong, texted Corey (apparently) and I forget everything else leading up to my departure. I remember trotting across wet grass to get my items, and hugging Corinne goodbye. Not just a normal goodbye, though. This would be the last time I partied with her, as she's off to college in Arizona as we speak. I wish I was sober enough to remember what she said to me. Corinne has really made my summer special. She'll never know how much she's given me. It was bittersweet, her seeing me off and all. But it's okay, because then a very, very cute boy drove me home that night.
Oh god, what do I say about Ryan Vetter? Maybe I was a little too crossfaded because in that 30 minutes I swear he was the cutest boy I'd ever met in my entire life (given, I like a lot of boys). He's one of Corinne's closest friends, and we actually went to middle school together. He wasn't at the party but came to drive people home and graciously gave me a ride. Corinne told me he liked Tame Impala so I put that on and he asked me about the night's events. I told him parties weren't my usual scene, and I forget what he said in response to that but it made me smile. We reminisced about middle school a little bit, talked about our friends, things like that. He had a really cute stutter, too. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I was definitely wasted. I know better than to get my hopes up with a person that nice.
Anyways, that was the party. I faked sobriety to my mom when I walked in the door at 1:30 AM, threw off my pretty dress, posted some pictures on Instagram, and collapsed in my bed. It was an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, that night. Probably not something I want to do often though, which I guess is a good trait considering I'm leaving for college soon. Regardless, the night of the 9th was really something else.
