The New Zipper Blues
Aug. 3rd, 2021 08:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleIt is August 3rd. In less than a month I will be in college. I woke up today and that fact hit me like a damn brick. Maybe I've been sheltering myself from that reality for awhile. I know that change can be scary and I know how I handle new situations, and I wouldn't be surprised if I subconsciously prevented myself from counting the days to my departure. So much needs to be done and so much is already happening. I don't like feeling intimidated by it, but I can't lie. I'm nervous.
I think the problem is that I feel like I'm leaving things behind. My friends, pets, and coworkers are what come to mind. I can already see the presaging of specific people and it kills me to think about leaving them. Adam, for example, gave me a much longer hug than usual when he saw me at work the other day. I didn't know why until someone told me he thought I'd left already. And I'm not lying when I say it left me a little distraught. I never thought anyone else would have trouble with my leaving besides me. When I'm gone, will people miss me? Is this the part where everything slips away and life becomes "Cats in the Cradle"? A heap of obligations that casts a shadow over the experiences and people of my childhood? I ask that like I don't know the answer. I am wise enough to know that it needs to happen. If I want to do extraordinary things in my life, I can't stay here. But I also can't see what's next, so I'll have to do what I do best and go with the flow.
Still, I can't help but think I am cumbersome to myself in my sensitivity. Leaving home is emotional for many people my age, but I seriously have no idea how I'll handle it. The "what if" questions actually need consideration. What if my mental health deteriorates in college? What if I can't find healthy coping mechanisms? The last few months have been some of the happiest of my life because I've learned how to manage my conditions. It would be a slap in the face if all that progress slipped away. I will try not to let it be in vain, and I will remain mutable to the world around me. If there's anything I've learned since February it's that joy is always within my reach. I don't need a horoscope to tell me to keep an open mind to it.
I think I've explained most of my concerns, but there is something else. An unconstructed, vague resentment I harbor in my heart. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but it has to do with my evolving politics. I hate my country and its conventional middle class values, but here I am going to university. I have no other choice now but to appease a system I hate. I will not weaken to this system, that I can say definitely. But I don't want to work within it, either. I never mentioned it here but I am majoring in communications and journalism. I am afraid of ending up in a position that helps spread misinformation and lies. I swear to God I'd rather die than cater to the mainstream media.
On a different note, the convenience of internet friends has surely proven itself now. I always knew that when I went to college, I wouldn't be leaving everything behind which provides some comfort. I have three people who I talk to now on a regular basis and since our friendships are purely digital, there are no bittersweet goodbyes to be had. Instead, I'm excited to watch our paths unravel like they always have. It's a small drop of normality in an ocean of uncertainty I possess for my future, but it encourages me.
I think the problem is that I feel like I'm leaving things behind. My friends, pets, and coworkers are what come to mind. I can already see the presaging of specific people and it kills me to think about leaving them. Adam, for example, gave me a much longer hug than usual when he saw me at work the other day. I didn't know why until someone told me he thought I'd left already. And I'm not lying when I say it left me a little distraught. I never thought anyone else would have trouble with my leaving besides me. When I'm gone, will people miss me? Is this the part where everything slips away and life becomes "Cats in the Cradle"? A heap of obligations that casts a shadow over the experiences and people of my childhood? I ask that like I don't know the answer. I am wise enough to know that it needs to happen. If I want to do extraordinary things in my life, I can't stay here. But I also can't see what's next, so I'll have to do what I do best and go with the flow.
Still, I can't help but think I am cumbersome to myself in my sensitivity. Leaving home is emotional for many people my age, but I seriously have no idea how I'll handle it. The "what if" questions actually need consideration. What if my mental health deteriorates in college? What if I can't find healthy coping mechanisms? The last few months have been some of the happiest of my life because I've learned how to manage my conditions. It would be a slap in the face if all that progress slipped away. I will try not to let it be in vain, and I will remain mutable to the world around me. If there's anything I've learned since February it's that joy is always within my reach. I don't need a horoscope to tell me to keep an open mind to it.
I think I've explained most of my concerns, but there is something else. An unconstructed, vague resentment I harbor in my heart. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but it has to do with my evolving politics. I hate my country and its conventional middle class values, but here I am going to university. I have no other choice now but to appease a system I hate. I will not weaken to this system, that I can say definitely. But I don't want to work within it, either. I never mentioned it here but I am majoring in communications and journalism. I am afraid of ending up in a position that helps spread misinformation and lies. I swear to God I'd rather die than cater to the mainstream media.
On a different note, the convenience of internet friends has surely proven itself now. I always knew that when I went to college, I wouldn't be leaving everything behind which provides some comfort. I have three people who I talk to now on a regular basis and since our friendships are purely digital, there are no bittersweet goodbyes to be had. Instead, I'm excited to watch our paths unravel like they always have. It's a small drop of normality in an ocean of uncertainty I possess for my future, but it encourages me.
