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takethisforexampleI've been sort of unstable today. The excitement of being home has dwindled as I remember that I wasn't actually doing too hot down at Stockton despite the crazy improvement in academic performance.
Therapy has been going alright. I had an appointment today and I felt it was a good balance between talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy so I'm able to make the most of it. Today we talked about things that have been dragging me down recently and my therapist suggested I begin exposure therapy for my OCD and social anxiety. She asked me where to put a specific issue I had this week on a scale out of 10, which let me gauge whether I should confront it or not. I was able to, but I didn't get the outcome I had hoped for and I feel like it will be difficult for me to untangle the mess of social fears I possess. I am also starting exposure therapy for my hypochondria which I am, unsurprisingly, very hesitant to approach. I have faith that I can improve but I am unsettled by the challenges I will have to face. I have already made some progress with the specific OCD disorder I'm attending therapy for in the first place, and while I am proud of my achievements there in the past two weeks, the inability to conduct this behavior has caused me to feel constantly on edge and agitated. It has not bode well for me or the few people who talk to me.
I deliberately refused to foresee this when I was on break, but being back at college has put me back in a very lonely position. It is starting to frighten me that I don't have the support network I need to stay healthy, and that writing has been filling in frequently. What is most upsetting is that I have also to some degree acclimated to it, and while I think it's important to enjoy one's own company, I feel increasingly dissatisfied with the lack of socialization. What happened last semester will undoubtedly happen again, and in terms of meeting people I have found myself trapped. It's hard to talk to people I'm interested in here and when I do I always manage to fuck it up somehow. It's gradually getting more hopeless. In addition to that, with everything happening at home, I am feeling a bit more lost and cold. At the very least, I knew home would always be there for me but now there's anywhere I'd rather be. I desperately crave other people in my life and yet I can't manage to keep it together with the people I have now. At least Gibraltar is there at the end of the day to curl up by my feet and give me something to care for.
In retrospect of writing this, I feel I've lost touch again with things I find important. I feel out of shape mentally. I keep trying to commit to myself and be better and keep falling below where I'm aiming. I hope a breeze comes under my wings and makes things a little easier.
Therapy has been going alright. I had an appointment today and I felt it was a good balance between talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy so I'm able to make the most of it. Today we talked about things that have been dragging me down recently and my therapist suggested I begin exposure therapy for my OCD and social anxiety. She asked me where to put a specific issue I had this week on a scale out of 10, which let me gauge whether I should confront it or not. I was able to, but I didn't get the outcome I had hoped for and I feel like it will be difficult for me to untangle the mess of social fears I possess. I am also starting exposure therapy for my hypochondria which I am, unsurprisingly, very hesitant to approach. I have faith that I can improve but I am unsettled by the challenges I will have to face. I have already made some progress with the specific OCD disorder I'm attending therapy for in the first place, and while I am proud of my achievements there in the past two weeks, the inability to conduct this behavior has caused me to feel constantly on edge and agitated. It has not bode well for me or the few people who talk to me.
I deliberately refused to foresee this when I was on break, but being back at college has put me back in a very lonely position. It is starting to frighten me that I don't have the support network I need to stay healthy, and that writing has been filling in frequently. What is most upsetting is that I have also to some degree acclimated to it, and while I think it's important to enjoy one's own company, I feel increasingly dissatisfied with the lack of socialization. What happened last semester will undoubtedly happen again, and in terms of meeting people I have found myself trapped. It's hard to talk to people I'm interested in here and when I do I always manage to fuck it up somehow. It's gradually getting more hopeless. In addition to that, with everything happening at home, I am feeling a bit more lost and cold. At the very least, I knew home would always be there for me but now there's anywhere I'd rather be. I desperately crave other people in my life and yet I can't manage to keep it together with the people I have now. At least Gibraltar is there at the end of the day to curl up by my feet and give me something to care for.
In retrospect of writing this, I feel I've lost touch again with things I find important. I feel out of shape mentally. I keep trying to commit to myself and be better and keep falling below where I'm aiming. I hope a breeze comes under my wings and makes things a little easier.
