Internal Narrative of a Panic Attack (Take It With A Grain of Salt)

[takethisforexample]

Sometimes I get consumed by this thought that everything I say and do is annoying. Just now I tried to say to myself “you know it isn’t like that” but it made it worse. I feel like I’m too weird and too awkward that it makes me boring. Even today I expressed to an older work friend of mine that I was worried I was uninteresting at parties and he said it “adds up”. I pretended to be fine with it but I can’t stop thinking about it. I am constantly reassured of the fact that I don’t fit in. I am burdensome if anything. Like, I hung out with some coworkers the other night and I felt so out of place and quiet. When I was sat there with them in the car they said things about other people that I felt were cruel. I don’t want to think people are always mean and judgmental like that. I don’t feel critical of others like that and I hope I never am because I know I am ostracized in a similar way. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t talk at all. Like everything I say is completely worthless unless it inflates someone else’s ego. It stresses me out beyond belief that I can do nothing more than flatter people to get them to like me. Beyond that, I bring nothing to the table unless the person in question shares one of my highly specific laser-focused interests. You know, like nuclear incidents and mermaids and structural collapses and other normal things. I feel like many people blow me off when I talk about my interests. Everything has become a performance. When others don’t react to things I say the way I anticipate it makes me confused and anxious. Sometimes I ramble and I don’t realize it. I feel like I am being patronized constantly because my social incapacities are at the forefront of people’s impression of me. It makes me want to shy away from everyone and hide. I can’t tell if I’m right to feel this way or just pathetically sensitive. It’s a very lonely feeling.