Who Doesn’t Love Christmas?
Dec. 25th, 2021 04:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
takethisforexampleI should probably write about how this Christmas sucks already, or how much stress I’m under, or how my mom said a racial slur at dinner last night and no one knows how to face her tomorrow, but I am sincerely too shocked to even know where to begin. I don’t want to sit here and preach about “the good stuff” either so I guess I’m in limbo at 3:50 AM on Christmas Day.
I am really sick of being here. I can’t wait to go back to college. Whatever shit I was complaining about while I was there pales in comparison to the torture that is my pathetic, decrepit mother who decided that saying the n word (with the hard r) was appropriate at dinner last night. Yeah. My sibling immediately engaged in argument with her and I simply put my hands up and went to my room. My mom stupidly defended herself and even tried to argue that us saying “ACAB” was comparable to racial slurs… to which I let out a deliberate, scornful laugh through the door. Later, I heard her trying to rationalize something to August through crying and pleading but I don’t know what came of that. Probably nothing. It’s hard to stay asleep from how anxious this situation has made me.
I wish a falling out would happen and I could be estranged from the woman altogether. I am thinking about starting work at school and trying to get my biggest assets in my name, such as my car, insurance, lease, etc.. There’s no way I can make that much while I’m studying but I figure the more financially independent I can be, the more control I can exercise over my familial relationships as a whole. I can’t hide my disdain forever.
I hope my mom is feeling the whole extent of shame and abandonment she deserves to feel for how she acts. When I said goodbye to my grandparents last night, she gave me this forlorn, teary look and I just stared blankly back. All the facades I put up just to tolerate her dissolved in that moment alone, so maybe she knows how I truly feel about her now. I fucking hope so. I hope she feels helpless and ashamed, but knowing her, she will probably bury the feeling of being wrong deep down until she can pretend that all is normal.
At least for me, this is just further proof. Evidence that my parents’ authority is not one to be heeded. My mother is not a respectable person, and given my tendency to forgive, I need every reason I can get to prove it to myself. I never imagined that my family might reach this level of chaos and misery, but we are well on our way. When I put everything into perspective, I just feel really disappointed and hurt. I don’t want to face the morning at all.
I am really sick of being here. I can’t wait to go back to college. Whatever shit I was complaining about while I was there pales in comparison to the torture that is my pathetic, decrepit mother who decided that saying the n word (with the hard r) was appropriate at dinner last night. Yeah. My sibling immediately engaged in argument with her and I simply put my hands up and went to my room. My mom stupidly defended herself and even tried to argue that us saying “ACAB” was comparable to racial slurs… to which I let out a deliberate, scornful laugh through the door. Later, I heard her trying to rationalize something to August through crying and pleading but I don’t know what came of that. Probably nothing. It’s hard to stay asleep from how anxious this situation has made me.
I wish a falling out would happen and I could be estranged from the woman altogether. I am thinking about starting work at school and trying to get my biggest assets in my name, such as my car, insurance, lease, etc.. There’s no way I can make that much while I’m studying but I figure the more financially independent I can be, the more control I can exercise over my familial relationships as a whole. I can’t hide my disdain forever.
I hope my mom is feeling the whole extent of shame and abandonment she deserves to feel for how she acts. When I said goodbye to my grandparents last night, she gave me this forlorn, teary look and I just stared blankly back. All the facades I put up just to tolerate her dissolved in that moment alone, so maybe she knows how I truly feel about her now. I fucking hope so. I hope she feels helpless and ashamed, but knowing her, she will probably bury the feeling of being wrong deep down until she can pretend that all is normal.
At least for me, this is just further proof. Evidence that my parents’ authority is not one to be heeded. My mother is not a respectable person, and given my tendency to forgive, I need every reason I can get to prove it to myself. I never imagined that my family might reach this level of chaos and misery, but we are well on our way. When I put everything into perspective, I just feel really disappointed and hurt. I don’t want to face the morning at all.
