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Today was not good.
It hurts to watch an animal in it's last moments. Such a destructive feeling. I experienced an almost unfathomable deal of grief and distress today over Lazlow, my poor fish, who is hanging on by a thread amidst illness that has caused him to take a turn for the worst. If things weren't worse, my work schedule means I just can't be there for him in his final days. Today, I gave him some medications to make his death as painless as possible. I felt sick myself when I saw him laying on his side, gasping and lethargic, and hardly able to move.
With it comes a flood of overwhelming guilt that is objectively unreasonable for such a small animal. The way I see it, aquariums are spaces that are completely controlled by the caretaker. The condition of the animals inside is the owner's complete responsibility. I know fish are sort of feeble, fickle animals to keep but I can't help but think that I have failed Lazlow despite my best efforts. He was one of the best fish I've ever kept, too. He was active and clever and I drained my bank account this last month trying to save him, but I just couldn't. I feel dreadful about it. I know it's unhealthy to think this way, but all I can tell myself is that I should've done better and that I failed. Lazlow brought me so much joy. I wish Will were here because he understands what it's like.
I just hope my fish is able to pass away peacefully.
Also, my dad wasn't able to come check on my animals with me today, unfortunately. But to make things worse, when I got home tonight my parents and I got into a screaming match which sucked because when people yell at me I just start crying. I always storm out because I get scared. I wish I could just be strong all the time, and stand up and defend myself, but I always end up with my tail between my legs. My parents were upset at me because of all these trivial little things and I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong anymore. It's my mom who always initiates these arguments but my dad will butt in if he's in the room and make things 100x worse by raising his voice at me. It makes me feel like I can't trust him either when he automatically takes Mom's side. Living here is just an absolute nightmare, far worse than it has ever been, and I'm becoming agitated. Impatient. I want to go home. If I had it my way, I would have stayed at the apartment for the holidays with my animals. It feels pathetic that cold-blooded animals with few emotions bring me more comfort and warmth than most people in my life.
It hurts to watch an animal in it's last moments. Such a destructive feeling. I experienced an almost unfathomable deal of grief and distress today over Lazlow, my poor fish, who is hanging on by a thread amidst illness that has caused him to take a turn for the worst. If things weren't worse, my work schedule means I just can't be there for him in his final days. Today, I gave him some medications to make his death as painless as possible. I felt sick myself when I saw him laying on his side, gasping and lethargic, and hardly able to move.
With it comes a flood of overwhelming guilt that is objectively unreasonable for such a small animal. The way I see it, aquariums are spaces that are completely controlled by the caretaker. The condition of the animals inside is the owner's complete responsibility. I know fish are sort of feeble, fickle animals to keep but I can't help but think that I have failed Lazlow despite my best efforts. He was one of the best fish I've ever kept, too. He was active and clever and I drained my bank account this last month trying to save him, but I just couldn't. I feel dreadful about it. I know it's unhealthy to think this way, but all I can tell myself is that I should've done better and that I failed. Lazlow brought me so much joy. I wish Will were here because he understands what it's like.
I just hope my fish is able to pass away peacefully.
Also, my dad wasn't able to come check on my animals with me today, unfortunately. But to make things worse, when I got home tonight my parents and I got into a screaming match which sucked because when people yell at me I just start crying. I always storm out because I get scared. I wish I could just be strong all the time, and stand up and defend myself, but I always end up with my tail between my legs. My parents were upset at me because of all these trivial little things and I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong anymore. It's my mom who always initiates these arguments but my dad will butt in if he's in the room and make things 100x worse by raising his voice at me. It makes me feel like I can't trust him either when he automatically takes Mom's side. Living here is just an absolute nightmare, far worse than it has ever been, and I'm becoming agitated. Impatient. I want to go home. If I had it my way, I would have stayed at the apartment for the holidays with my animals. It feels pathetic that cold-blooded animals with few emotions bring me more comfort and warmth than most people in my life.
