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It's been awhile. I haven't felt the urge to write. A lot has been happening though and I think it might be good to talk about it.
For starters, I'm completely moved in to my apartment. The week or so leading up to my departure (which was Thursday night) I was in a highly emotional state with little to no control over how I was feeling. If I'm being honest, it hit me way harder than I thought it would. Which is okay, and I'll get through it, but it still sucks. Seriously, I don't think I've cried this much since sophomore year. The funny part is that every day last week was amazing and fun, but I'd get home and just curl over in tears because I'm so emotional about everything for no reason.
However, I was inclined to make the most of the time I had left. I made a point of visiting a bunch of people/places and I was able to get some final good times squeezed in before I went off to Stockton. Just recently I hung out with Lily, who made brownies with me and then showed me how she uses the darkweb, and the day before departure I hung out with my coworker Jon and he took me to a smoke shop. I also went out with an old friend of mine, Vincent, who wanted to catch up with me and we bid farewell to the Pequannock overpass by defacing it with pastel pink graffiti, so that was cool. Adam and I hung out the other week, I already said goodbye awhile ago to Corinne, Sami, and Ishwar, and Jatin and Corey will always be around because they are internet friends. The one thing I regret is that I didn't get to see Amanda before she left, but she's over in Hoboken so she's not really "gone" per se (fuck you Corey). I'm satisfied with how I've left things, and as much as I like to scare myself with change, I know these people will all be there when I need them. It's not like they are dead or something.
What really fucked with me emotionally though was leaving my job. Not because of the work itself, but because of the people there. I've heard it a million times from my coworkers that know the company; they say our specific Trader Joe's has an infamously amazing community and team dynamic that you can't really find at other stores. And I believe it, because I've met some of the kindest, funniest, most easy to get along with people I know through that job. I was collectively appreciated and encouraged to be myself. As someone who didn't often feel a sense of belonging around my peers growing up, the diversity and support of the people I worked with was refreshing and very valuable to me. On my last day, everyone was especially excited for me and it was hard not to cry. When my shift ended I couldn't even make it to my car without bursting into tears. Those people really changed my life. I knew two months into that job that leaving would be hard.
But that's how life works. I'm aware of how sensitive I am to these things and I think it's okay. Even if it sucks sometimes.
As for moving in, I am living in an unfamiliar wonderland. I can now say I have my dream bedroom, which is indescribably pink, fluffy, and covered in unicorns. I think some of my friends dread it. And at the moment, I kind of do, too, because I haven't yet adjusted to it. Sometimes OCD can complicate living in spaces that I'm not used to, so it will take some time to rid of old rituals and create new ones. I've been sort of haphazardly mimicking behaviors I had at home in this new place and it feels weird. I know I'll get comfortable at some point, though. I think it's good to have roommates, too. One of them, Emma, moved in yesterday and I immediately felt more at home once we got to talking. We have a lot in common and get along very well which is such a relief. Emma is an interesting character. I nervously approached her with my questions about having weed in the apartment and she laughed. We sat down and she told me about her drug experiences, much to my pleasure. I mean, this girl literally had the FBI show up to her house. Needless to say, I think she's chill about it. Actually, I think she might be stoned all the time. I can't really tell. Either way, it's fine by me.
I'm feeling better now that I've written this. I'm excited to make new friends and memories. One thing I love about myself is that I'm always changing and I'm looking forward to seeing what college does to me. As long as I can keep up with my classes, I think I'll be alright. Everything else is just a cakewalk to me.
For starters, I'm completely moved in to my apartment. The week or so leading up to my departure (which was Thursday night) I was in a highly emotional state with little to no control over how I was feeling. If I'm being honest, it hit me way harder than I thought it would. Which is okay, and I'll get through it, but it still sucks. Seriously, I don't think I've cried this much since sophomore year. The funny part is that every day last week was amazing and fun, but I'd get home and just curl over in tears because I'm so emotional about everything for no reason.
However, I was inclined to make the most of the time I had left. I made a point of visiting a bunch of people/places and I was able to get some final good times squeezed in before I went off to Stockton. Just recently I hung out with Lily, who made brownies with me and then showed me how she uses the darkweb, and the day before departure I hung out with my coworker Jon and he took me to a smoke shop. I also went out with an old friend of mine, Vincent, who wanted to catch up with me and we bid farewell to the Pequannock overpass by defacing it with pastel pink graffiti, so that was cool. Adam and I hung out the other week, I already said goodbye awhile ago to Corinne, Sami, and Ishwar, and Jatin and Corey will always be around because they are internet friends. The one thing I regret is that I didn't get to see Amanda before she left, but she's over in Hoboken so she's not really "gone" per se (fuck you Corey). I'm satisfied with how I've left things, and as much as I like to scare myself with change, I know these people will all be there when I need them. It's not like they are dead or something.
What really fucked with me emotionally though was leaving my job. Not because of the work itself, but because of the people there. I've heard it a million times from my coworkers that know the company; they say our specific Trader Joe's has an infamously amazing community and team dynamic that you can't really find at other stores. And I believe it, because I've met some of the kindest, funniest, most easy to get along with people I know through that job. I was collectively appreciated and encouraged to be myself. As someone who didn't often feel a sense of belonging around my peers growing up, the diversity and support of the people I worked with was refreshing and very valuable to me. On my last day, everyone was especially excited for me and it was hard not to cry. When my shift ended I couldn't even make it to my car without bursting into tears. Those people really changed my life. I knew two months into that job that leaving would be hard.
But that's how life works. I'm aware of how sensitive I am to these things and I think it's okay. Even if it sucks sometimes.
As for moving in, I am living in an unfamiliar wonderland. I can now say I have my dream bedroom, which is indescribably pink, fluffy, and covered in unicorns. I think some of my friends dread it. And at the moment, I kind of do, too, because I haven't yet adjusted to it. Sometimes OCD can complicate living in spaces that I'm not used to, so it will take some time to rid of old rituals and create new ones. I've been sort of haphazardly mimicking behaviors I had at home in this new place and it feels weird. I know I'll get comfortable at some point, though. I think it's good to have roommates, too. One of them, Emma, moved in yesterday and I immediately felt more at home once we got to talking. We have a lot in common and get along very well which is such a relief. Emma is an interesting character. I nervously approached her with my questions about having weed in the apartment and she laughed. We sat down and she told me about her drug experiences, much to my pleasure. I mean, this girl literally had the FBI show up to her house. Needless to say, I think she's chill about it. Actually, I think she might be stoned all the time. I can't really tell. Either way, it's fine by me.
I'm feeling better now that I've written this. I'm excited to make new friends and memories. One thing I love about myself is that I'm always changing and I'm looking forward to seeing what college does to me. As long as I can keep up with my classes, I think I'll be alright. Everything else is just a cakewalk to me.
