Accidental Truck Driver Application Essay

One of my better habits that I've developed in the last year or two is taking long drives. If I have nothing else to do, driving is a good way to kill time. After I got my car it just became something I do. I've explored a rather decent amount of northern New Jersey doing this. It's not really something I make a point of doing, I just do it when I feel like it and I think the payoff is surprisingly decent considering it is such a simple thing.

Driving provides me with a sense of clarity that isn't easily attainable at home. There's enough movement and concentration involved to keep me focused but still able to think about other things. It's like crack for my ADHD; the perfect balance of busy and idle. I'm also curious enough to be deeply interested in wherever I am passing through, so I've definitely gotten a good look at areas in Jersey that I've never seen before. Sometimes it's highways and cities, other times woodlands or open fields. I prefer the latter since it's usually less busy and there's more to be seen nature-wise. Driving in rural areas is just so peaceful, especially at this time of year. The fauna of early August is gorgeous and the air is perfect for opening my windows. I like to tap out whatever music I'm playing on the side of my door and just let myself become entranced by the road. I'm honestly pretty mild in terms of my ability to handle adrenaline so I appreciate the excitement I get from keeping a steady speed on a winding road. In the forested areas here, the light shines onto these canopied roads that are my favorite to drive on. I wish they were infinite, but eventually I always find myself back on a highway or in a suburb. Not to say those aren't interesting, but I'd much rather pass through the forests and farmlands. That way I can appreciate the natural beauty and let it overtake me. I love how the forests hug the road so tightly and how I can see the bodies of water shimmering through the tree line. When I come upon field areas it is usually quite sudden, and I'm always overwhelmed by how beautiful that expansiveness is. Nothing is as stunning as seeing that big picture. It's absolutely euphoric.

An important detail about this whole thing is that I don't like taking drives with other people. In fact, it usually ruins the entire experience. The presence of another person is an obligation and a distraction from that "clarity". It's ironic, too, since I wish I could share the joy I get from driving with other people and fondly imagine them there in my passenger seat, but I'm fervently annoyed when they are actually there. Trust me, I've tried, but I just can't do it. The only person who I like driving with is Will since we are on the same wavelength. I haven't gotten the impression that anyone else in my life besides him enjoys the journey the same way I do. My other friends can't even remain quiet for the duration of a 15 minute ride to Ringwood. It's a hard thing to explain, but the silence is important to the whole thing. It's like meditation or something- it's rude to interrupt.

Wanderlust is a good feeling. I really love getting in my car and going nowhere. The best part is that there is hardly ever a destination. When I'm ready to head home, I open Google Maps and shock myself with the time estimation. Usually I end up somewhere between 30-50 minutes from home, but I've driven over two hours before, and a couple times I accidentally went out of state. I love seeing how far the local roads can really take me. My parents ask me where I was when I walk in the door and I probably sound suspicious for saying "I don't know", but there's no dishonesty there. I just like driving. I don't really care where I am, I'll probably enjoy it. Driving is a habit that defines me well because it's something that I do for me to make me happy. It's the purest and most immediate form of visceral happiness I achieve in my daily life.

Sometimes while I drive, I think two specific thoughts, those being "what did I do to deserve this joy?" and "this is like a dream". When I actually think about it, it's not something that was ever "granted" to me, and it's obviously not a dream. Living a typical, redundant life has convinced me that this type of joy lies elsewhere, but has also enabled such a fascination with breaking that idea entirely. I feel lucky to be so easily amused by what many people (at least from my experience) find mundane. I'm sure no one has ever said this before, but in my eyes, a couple hours driving around Jersey is time well spent.

 

Octopus II

Octopus was a very arrogant, self-absorbed, and poorly written entry.

I have gone back and read it multiple times since I wrote it. I do not think it is good, but I told myself I wouldn't delete it. Instead, I will elaborate now on the revelations I've had regarding that whole "immersion" thing.

I understand much better now that I am actively curious about how other people see this world, but I think my pretentious behaviors (and I'll call them that because that is what they are) are more respective to how I treat identity than any subconscious desire to "fit in" or "understand". I also don't think these behaviors are specific to me in any sense. I have only identified them, and that's why they hold weight in my life. Regardless, any comprehension I gain as a result of said (and I gloat) "strategies" is merely a byproduct of a basic human trait. Kinda funny how I put it on a pedestal. I am not special.

I just like to feel like I am a lot of people. My identity isn't as clear-cut as I had thought when I wrote that entry. Identity, on a conventional level, is something that I no longer care for. I believe most (if not all) human beings are too complex to be accurately and wholly defined, and that we are a horribly inconsistent species. I am no exception to that. If anything, I'm so fickle that it has become somewhat of a game. Becoming something new is like earning a Girl Scout patch. It takes time and effort. It enriches and excites me. I'm not suggesting that I'm quick to change paths, though. Rather, I am going down paths that change me and these tend to be my more long term pursuits. There is a rough "end goal" where I am heading, especially in terms of my ethics, personality, and art. This being said, to me, identity is more of an encompassing personal concept than an observable "persona" of sorts.

How this ties in socially is where the difference in my thinking compared to my previous entry becomes noticeable. I talk to many people. Obviously, I don't act the same around all of them. For the sake of organization I've applied descriptions to my relationships with these people although I often wander outside of them. For instance, I've labelled Corinne as my "party friend" and Corey as my "punk friend" but I've talked about both things with both people. It's merely the tendencies of my relationships that form these different categories. I'm sure both Corinne and Corey have very different impressions of me, but they are not oblivious to the other things I dabble in. In terms of other social settings, I'll immerse myself if I believe I will gain something from it. It is now a completely voluntary action. It's more like I am entering a passive, observant state than actually becoming a different person. I totally embellished it before.

Anyone can be a lot of things. I like to work specifically with that idea. I no longer think there is anything special about that. My understanding of other individuals is as vague as anyone else's understanding of me. I'm seriously chastising my previous way of thinking when it comes to this, but I'm proud of the progress I've made as well. There are so many things I want to experience and people I want to be. Some funny labels that I guess apply to me currently include aspiring punk, fairy enthusiast, psychonaut, drug mule, and internet troll. 

As for Nikki S. Lee, her quote sticks with me now more than ever. It's comforting. It's like a mantra to me.

“I am free. I can become anyone. Don’t ask me who I am.”

She is an inspiring person and I've really come to understand the sentiment of her work.

Nikki S. Lee - The Ohio Project