Dichotomy II: "My Favorite Dress" (Self Portrait 9)

Dichotomy III: Weak Of My Own Volition

I am defeated. As much as I pride myself on my relationships with other people, it can be a sort of torture as well. Things have not been going well in my social spheres and I fear that I can't really trust the people in my life right now. I have been let down too many times, but having it all fall apart at once is indescribably scary. The last 24 hours have been spent in a pulsing neurotic state in which I've either been crying or punishing myself. In the case of the latter, my body is just starting to feel the consequences. I had violent dreams all night in which my body was mutilated and splattered over various settings, tormenting me until I woke this morning and saw opportunity to write.

I don't know why I feel the need to put so much effort into friendships that are less than reciprocal. I think it's because I have trouble finding people who can relate to that level of intensity. Friendship is the highest form of emotional connection I am able to feel, and I often become frustrated or bored when my relationships are understimulating. I also have trouble relating to other people's apathy. And yes, I know I jack myself off about appreciating the unique circumstances of all people, but it's true that I am relentlessly annoyed by predictability. I'm not trying to act all high and mighty about it, but the interpersonal simplicity of most people drives me insane. I hate shallow conversation and pettiness, I can't see to it. Alternatively, I sometimes bite off more than I can chew and deal with complicated people who are either abusive or inadvertently bring me constant emotional distress. I feel too much to carry other people's weight, even if they aren't directly putting it on me. Both of these dynamics are similar in that they are (too a certain extent) predictable. This is not to say they aren't challenging, just tedious. I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with it all. I know that I should work hard in order to establish healthy connections with all types of people, but I'm tired. I'm not even that complex of a person. I'm not demanding. Friendship is the one exception. I can't just turn it down a notch. Honestly, I've failed.

It's so childish to complain about this, but it had to happen here at some point. Here is not the place to exercise humility. I don't feel valued by my friends. I don't feel like I can trust people. Right now I am experiencing an onset of loneliness. The suddenness reminds me of times in my life when I was truly alone and miserable. I really don't want to go through it again. Right now, all I can really say is that I'm sad. I'm sad, and I just want to wallow in it.

Everything Will Work Out In The End

So here I am, fucking miserable.

I might need help if I think I'll hurt myself badly. I tried to mediate the self harm by driving to Brooklyn and back which I guess was a temporary fix, but I basically just sat with my thoughts the entire time and I think that made it worse. My mom is complaining that she hasn't seen me for a couple days and that I've been dismissing her. Maybe because I'm obviously completely unstable and deranged. Or because she terrified me the other day by spouting nonsense about my hypothetical rape and subsequent murder, which I dreamed about vividly last night. I can't cleanse my mind of it at all, amongst all the other stuff. Rape, death, misery, horror, crying, repeat. No one to talk to about it, nothing to distract me. As expected, a myriad of bruises have appeared on my legs and the sides of my body. It hurts like a bitch but at least I don't cut. And I was able to force myself to eat this morning, but I clocked in at 99.0 lbs yesterday so things will probably get worse before they get better.

This is what it feels like to lose control. It hasn't happened to me in awhile, honestly. I know from experience it won't last forever, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Episodes like this don't come out of nowhere, they are triggered by external factors such as overstimulation, interpersonal issues, or medication side effects (at least in my case). It takes a lot of time for me to heal and get back to normal. New surroundings, new friends, new drugs. The longest I will have to wait for things to change is July when I move into my apartment in Galloway. But for the time being, I need to focus on avoiding self harm and psychosis.

I'll let myself be incessantly stoned for the next couple weeks if that's what it takes. This is what comes before healing. I'll be okay.